10 TERRIBLE THINGS TO SAY TO SOMEONE WITH DEPRESSION ABOUT MY SUCCESSION SPEC SCRIPT
“Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. You have so much to be happy about. For instance, you haven't written the worst Succession spec script ever like Darren has.”
“Just smile, that'll make you feel better! I'll certainly have to put on a big grin and be super positive when I give Darren my notes on his Succession pilot, because he cannot handle even the slightest criticism.”
“Your negativity is really a drag. Of course, it's not as much of a drag as Darren's Succession spec script, which had about 80 spelling mistakes, including repeated mentions of 'fourskin'.”
“Oh, cry me a river. You know, there are other people, like Darren, who have it so much worse than you. Darren was actually proud of the moment in his Succession spec script where Roman calls Kendall a 'goober.' A 'goober'? Has he even seen the show?”
“Being depressed is a choice. You can stop being depressed if you want. Unfortunately, Darren probably can't choose to be a better writer. In his Succession spec script, he has Logan use the phrase 'get jiggy' 12 times.”
“You just need to get more fresh air and hit the treadmill, then you'll feel better. Oh, that reminds me of the scene in Darren's Succession spec script where he describes Greg working out at the gym, and he explicitly points out that you can see the outline of Greg's penis through his shorts. It's completely irrelevant to the scene! Weird!”
“You just aren't trying hard enough. Unlike Darren, who's actually trying too hard with his Succession spec script. About three-quarters of the scenes end in Tom loudly sobbing and tearing off his clothing. That should happen once at most!”
“Depression is just you letting bad thoughts win. I had to beat back a lot of bad thoughts reading Darren's Succession spec script, especially when he described four different characters, in four different scenes, as being 'ugly as all hell'.”
“You're being selfish. You only care about your own problems. What about Darren's problems? He quit his job at Petland to become a TV writer on the strength of his Succession spec script, which features Gerri quitting her job at Waystar to become a rodeo clown.”
“Depression is all in your head, much like Darren's Succession spec script, in which it turns out that the entirety of the episode is a daydream Shiv has while waiting in line at the post office to buy stamps.”
