Stop Looking Down at Your Technological Gadgets and Start Looking Up at the Beauty of the World: A Poem by Darren Springer

I was looking at my smart phone the other day,
Texting and scrolling my life away,
When I realized something very important:
Technology in general is really bad, except for the fact that it puts me in touch more easily with other people who write That's So Raven fan fiction.

This media we call "social" is, ironically, not
We just sit around staring at screens like robots
And not even talking in person with loved ones
And that mostly sucks, although I will say it's not as bad when I'm writing That's So Raven fan fiction (which is most of the time) because talking to people will only distract me.

Can anyone doubt technology's role
In ensuring we all grow up without souls?
We don't even know how to communicate
But I do. I actually put a lot of myself into my That's So Raven fan fiction. Some of the autobiographical elements are so thinly veiled that it's actually hard for me to read. (For instance, a lot of my experience with painkiller addiction can be read into the story I wrote about Raven's dad leaving his bag lunch at home instead of bringing it to work.) That's my form of communication, which I think is better and more personal than "tweeting" (pffft!).

We spend so much time on Twitter and Facebook
That we don't even stop to take a good look
At the people around us that we claim to care about
But with me it's different, because most of the people I really care about are my fellow "Ravenettes" in the That's So Raven fan fiction community, and it's kind of a far-flung bunch. Most of them don't live anywhere near me. So with me it's different, like I said. (Shout-out to ToddRantinAndRaven in Orlando. Ha ha, you piece of shit!)

These "wonderful" devices are just tools of delusion
Spreading isolation and awful confusion
These machines that are designed to make us more productive
Are instead, in contrast, proving downright destructive. (Although, if I'm out doing errands and a great idea for a Raven plotline hits me, like "Chelsea gets a bad sunburn" or "someone's grandma dies and it was Raven's fault," then it's actually nice to have an iPad handy to jot it down or even start drafting it. So yeah, the way I use it is actually productive, but the way you use it is probably super-shitty.)

The next time you're riding on a bus or a train
Maybe try going against the grain
And actually speak to whoever's next to you
And then let me know how that goes. I've never done it myself because I'm usually reading other That's So Raven fan fiction so I know what plotlines have been used and what haven't. I recently had an idea for a story where Cory takes some bad acid at school and runs to the zoo and eats an alligator, but then another Ravenette posted a very similar story involving Eddie and some peyote, so that was out. Sometimes the pressure of coming up with something new and fresh for a long-cancelled Disney show doesn't seem worth it. But anyway, you should throw your laptop in the garbage.

And so I will leave you with these caring words
This technology we worship is just for the birds
So put away all of your gadgets and gidgets
And help me brainstorm this plot I came up with where Raven discovers that she can halt the earth's rotation whenever she fidgets.

I Am a Strong, Independent Woman and Murderer

I am strong. I am fierce.

I am proud. I am beautiful. I will not bow to society’s rules. I will not look a certain way just because you want me to. And I will not stop committing a series of random, baffling murders.

I will not listen to the voices of the haters. I will not listen to those who try to shame me because I don’t conform to their standards of beauty. I will only listen to the voices in my head telling me to collect more souls to fortify God’s army in heaven.

I don’t need your smugness. I don’t need your condescension. And I don’t need you suggesting that I have not been chosen by divine decree to pass judgment on the wicked.

Only I will decide what I will or will not wear. Only I will decide my body’s ideal shape. And only I will decide which drifters at the bus stop I will pick up and then let loose in a field while I open fire on them calmly and deliberately.

Oh, you’d rather I dress more modestly? Oh, you’d rather I not wear such tight clothing? Oh, you’d rather I view my victims as human beings and not soulless hunks of protein? Sorry, ‘fraid not!!!

Remember: YOU do not get to demand that I remain a size one. YOU cannot force me into pursuing the laughable absurdity that is a “thigh gap”. YOU cannot suggest that at some point I suffered a psychotic break from reality that has taken me down a path of violence and chaos.

Remember: my body is MY body. I am me. You are you. We are they. Life is death. The way in is the way out. There is no right or wrong. All that we have been we will be again, in heaven, as I sit at God’s right and we conduct the heavenly orchestra.

Star Wars Has Driven Me... "Star" Crazy!!

I’m not normally this blunt, but I am absolutely incensed by the casting for the upcoming Star Wars movie!  I have never felt so betrayed! Seriously, imagine if you married someone, and they promised to love and protect you, and then they killed your whole family and left town with all of your money. Now imagine that you watched a movie afterwards to cheer yourself up, and the movie turned out to be incredibly disappointing. Well, the movie you watched would be the new Star Wars! I just hope I never marry anyone who ends up killing my family and stealing my money, for that reason alone! Let’s examine some of the casting choices:

-Max von Sydow as Snowshoe the Deformer? I’m sorry, did I hallucinate during all 87 of my viewings of the original Star Wars, or is Snowshoe the Reformer not a 12 year old boy??!! Max von Sydow is at least 40, if his name is any indication (I’ve never heard of him before and am completely unfamiliar with his work). How can he possibly capture the apple-pie Boy Scout quality of Snowshoe the Performer? Is he really going to be believable delivering lines like “No football should be this filthy, Senator?” Give me a break!

-Oscar Isaac as Sammy the Clam? This man is entirely too handsome to be convincing as a pockmarked, syphilis-ridden, snot-caked prizefighter who constantly threatens to kiss Boba Fett on his “sweet St. Louis butt”! Of course, some of you might argue that no actor would be ugly enough for the part. Pfft. How typical of you, and how typical of Hollywood to take parts away from actors that don’t even exist!

-Harrison Ford, reprising his role as Shosheesh the Labia Climber? Um, ha ha, hello, he’s too old! How is someone pushing 70 supposed to scale literally hundreds of 80-foot vaginas in order to appease Emperor Kyle? It’s time for a younger character with a similarly rakish, devil-may-care attitude toward propelling himself up gigantic pudenda!  Guys, let’s move on here!!

-Andy Serkis as Patio Pete? Serkis is a fine actor, but he lacks the powerful thighs and protruding buttocks required to safely and effectively lift patio furniture and move it to another area of the patio. In the original movie, this was a crucial post-final-credits sequence that illustrated perfectly how important outdoor patios were to Tatooine culture. If Serkis and J.J. Abrams screw this up, I will vomit until my life becomes meaningful!

-Craig? Seriously? Craig???!!! CRAIG???!!!!

Anyway, if you are a true Star Wars fan (or “Warsie”), please join me in boycotting this future travesty. We must stop at nothing until this abomination is struck from the world. Quit your jobs if you must. (I can’t, as I support several hamsters and a small, perpetually drunk Paraguayan man that sleeps in my pantry.)