I’m not normally this blunt, but I am absolutely incensed by the casting for the upcoming Star Wars movie! I have never felt so betrayed! Seriously, imagine if you married someone, and they promised to love and protect you, and then they killed your whole family and left town with all of your money. Now imagine that you watched a movie afterwards to cheer yourself up, and the movie turned out to be incredibly disappointing. Well, the movie you watched would be the new Star Wars! I just hope I never marry anyone who ends up killing my family and stealing my money, for that reason alone! Let’s examine some of the casting choices:
-Max von Sydow as Snowshoe the Deformer? I’m sorry, did I hallucinate during all 87 of my viewings of the original Star Wars, or is Snowshoe the Reformer not a 12 year old boy??!! Max von Sydow is at least 40, if his name is any indication (I’ve never heard of him before and am completely unfamiliar with his work). How can he possibly capture the apple-pie Boy Scout quality of Snowshoe the Performer? Is he really going to be believable delivering lines like “No football should be this filthy, Senator?” Give me a break!
-Oscar Isaac as Sammy the Clam? This man is entirely too handsome to be convincing as a pockmarked, syphilis-ridden, snot-caked prizefighter who constantly threatens to kiss Boba Fett on his “sweet St. Louis butt”! Of course, some of you might argue that no actor would be ugly enough for the part. Pfft. How typical of you, and how typical of Hollywood to take parts away from actors that don’t even exist!
-Harrison Ford, reprising his role as Shosheesh the Labia Climber? Um, ha ha, hello, he’s too old! How is someone pushing 70 supposed to scale literally hundreds of 80-foot vaginas in order to appease Emperor Kyle? It’s time for a younger character with a similarly rakish, devil-may-care attitude toward propelling himself up gigantic pudenda! Guys, let’s move on here!!
-Andy Serkis as Patio Pete? Serkis is a fine actor, but he lacks the powerful thighs and protruding buttocks required to safely and effectively lift patio furniture and move it to another area of the patio. In the original movie, this was a crucial post-final-credits sequence that illustrated perfectly how important outdoor patios were to Tatooine culture. If Serkis and J.J. Abrams screw this up, I will vomit until my life becomes meaningful!
-Craig? Seriously? Craig???!!! CRAIG???!!!!
Anyway, if you are a true Star Wars fan (or “Warsie”), please join me in boycotting this future travesty. We must stop at nothing until this abomination is struck from the world. Quit your jobs if you must. (I can’t, as I support several hamsters and a small, perpetually drunk Paraguayan man that sleeps in my pantry.)