The Old iTunes Shuffle!

Hello all. Recently I read and enjoyed my friend Dan McRae’s exercise in which he put his iTunes on shuffle and critiqued each song that came up, in the style of the old “Random Rules” feature in the AV Club. I have decided to do the same. In lieu of a review of each song, however, I have decided, with each entry, to include a random passage from a historical detective novel I’ve been working on. It’s set in Victorian England and is called Excuse Me, Death, May I Have a Word?

David Bowie, “Win”

The sky held a tinge of red, thought famed detective Charles Snapes that morning. Blood, perhaps? Was it blood? Was it? Blood? No.

Sonic Youth, “Death Valley ‘69”

The constable tasted the ground with his mouth. “Hmmmm. Regrettable decision, that. Both unpleasant… and unfruitful.”

Kurt Vile, “Ghost Town”

The man in the diaper seemed angry and confused, thought Snapes. Kidnapping him was a bad idea.

ESG, “Come Away”

Bark beetles are so gross. Keep them away from me. END OF CHAPTER 58

Iceage, “Awake”   

Professor Hogwhitechurch kicked the dead body. “He is probably still alive.” The professor leaned down and slapped the body. The dead man’s foot fell off. “Goodbye, foot.”

Built to Spill, “Else”

“Where were you on the night of the murder?”

“I will never have sex. No way, jack. It’s dirty, filthy biz-nasssss.”

“Miss, please try to focus. That’s not what I was asking you about…”

“I don’t have sex and I never will,” she shouted, falling backwards into the shark pit.

Mayer Hawthorne, “Your Easy Lovin’ Ain’t Pleasin’ Nothin’”

“Look at them down there,” muttered Shackleford. “They almost look like little ants running hither and thither.”

“That’s because they ARE ants. You’re looking at ants.”

“I am?”

Boris laughed. “No, I’m just kidding. Those are people.”

“Really? Then why am I able to step on them?”

“Because you’re 800 feet tall, sir.”

“I am?”

“No. I’m kidding again. Those are ants.”

The Kinks, “Big Sky”

Snapes looked up at the incredibly big sky above him. He could see that it would rain soon, and he would need to work quickly to work out the kinks in his plan. He wasn’t exactly a big fan of the kinks (in his plan).

Cut Chemist featuring Edan and Mr. Lif, “Storm”

Shackleford spun around, pistol in his hand. Then he spun the other way, holding a burrito this time. A third spin revealed that he was now gripping a lake trout. He then exploded.

Della Humphrey, “Don’t Make the Good Girls Go Bad”

Bath beads. Snapes laughed out loud at the thought. How could something so foamy be so evil? THE END

Five Cheap Ways to Beat the Heat This Summer

Summer, a period that many argue is the hottest of the four seasons, is now upon us, and unless you are a cyber-humanoid with coolant pumping through its veins, you’re probably looking for easy ways to beat the heat. (If you are a cyber-humanoid, I welcome your eventual full-scale takeover of humanity!) But what’s that you say? You’re on a budget? You weren’t born into a family of tenacious and successful gun-runners like I was? And as a result, you can’t afford an AC unit or the increased utility bills it would generate?  No problem! Here are five ways to keep cool in July and August that won’t hurt your cheque book. (This is assuming that you, as I do, make absolutely every purchase using cheques, regardless of whether it is convenient or even acceptable.   

1)   Buy a Handheld Portable Fan

A handheld portable fan is an affordable and fun way to stay frosty even on the stickiest of days! Prices vary from $4 to $12 dollars if purchased legally. Do keep in mind, however, that these fans are absolutely free if stolen from your neighbor Gary’s house while you’re at one of his dumb barbecues! Hey Gary, I hate you so much, Gary!   

2) Discount Movie Matinees

Who doesn’t love a nice, air-conditioned movie theater on a scorching afternoon? Especially if it’s in a discount theater that screens films near the end of their theatrical run? Probably my awful neighbor Gary, a man devoid of joy or imagination. He certainly would never think of sneaking in his own snacks in a backpack instead of paying exorbitant concession prices. I mean, what a repellent, stink-laden moron!

      3)   Drink Hot Liquids

I know what you’re thinking:  “Hot liquids are supposed to keep me cool? Are you nuts?” Well, first of all, shut up Gary, you don’t know anything. Hot liquids such as tea or coffee will elevate your body’s core temperature, causing you to sweat, and cool down, more rapidly. It figures you wouldn’t know that, Gary—you’re stupid enough to think I don’t know what’s going on between you and my wife!  

            4)  Wear Black Clothing, Not White

“But wait a minute,” you might be saying to yourself, “isn’t white clothing supposed to be more heat-resistant than dark?” Wow, you just don’t know when to shut up, do you Gary? Dark clothing might attract more heat from the sun, but it also absorbs more body heat, unlike white clothing, which reflects it back at you, making you hotter. For more information on the science behind this, please ask my wife the next time you guys are “canoodling,” Gary, you human sewer. (My wife is a scientist. I still love her so much.) 

5) Cooler Full of Ice

Look, I know I haven’t been a great husband. I will admit to that. I could be a better listener, and I’m emotionally withdrawn, and I’m gone often because I don’t like our house and it turns out I don’t like living with someone. But is that any reason to seek the arms of another man? Especially Gary, who is more swamp creature than human being? He’s a failed plumber, Karen! He couldn’t succeed in an industry that‘s virtually recession-free! Karen, if you’re reading this, please come home. I probably won’t be there if you do, because I’m gone a lot, but it’ll be nice to imagine you there. A Coleman cooler will probably set you back about $70 or so. Fill it with ice and it’ll be cold.