Hello all. Recently I read and enjoyed my friend Dan McRae’s exercise in which he put his iTunes on shuffle and critiqued each song that came up, in the style of the old “Random Rules” feature in the AV Club. I have decided to do the same. In lieu of a review of each song, however, I have decided, with each entry, to include a random passage from a historical detective novel I’ve been working on. It’s set in Victorian England and is called Excuse Me, Death, May I Have a Word?
The sky held a tinge of red, thought famed detective Charles Snapes that morning. Blood, perhaps? Was it blood? Was it? Blood? No.
The constable tasted the ground with his mouth. “Hmmmm. Regrettable decision, that. Both unpleasant… and unfruitful.”
The man in the diaper seemed angry and confused, thought Snapes. Kidnapping him was a bad idea.
Bark beetles are so gross. Keep them away from me. END OF CHAPTER 58
Professor Hogwhitechurch kicked the dead body. “He is probably still alive.” The professor leaned down and slapped the body. The dead man’s foot fell off. “Goodbye, foot.”
“Where were you on the night of the murder?”
“I will never have sex. No way, jack. It’s dirty, filthy biz-nasssss.”
“Miss, please try to focus. That’s not what I was asking you about…”
“I don’t have sex and I never will,” she shouted, falling backwards into the shark pit.
“Look at them down there,” muttered Shackleford. “They almost look like little ants running hither and thither.”
“That’s because they ARE ants. You’re looking at ants.”
Boris laughed. “No, I’m just kidding. Those are people.”
“Really? Then why am I able to step on them?”
“Because you’re 800 feet tall, sir.”
“No. I’m kidding again. Those are ants.”
Snapes looked up at the incredibly big sky above him. He could see that it would rain soon, and he would need to work quickly to work out the kinks in his plan. He wasn’t exactly a big fan of the kinks (in his plan).
Shackleford spun around, pistol in his hand. Then he spun the other way, holding a burrito this time. A third spin revealed that he was now gripping a lake trout. He then exploded.
Bath beads. Snapes laughed out loud at the thought. How could something so foamy be so evil? THE END