WONDERFUL THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS YEAR
Turned the bitter, acrimonious end of my marriage into a
cult hit Adult Swim show
Took several tentative bites out of crime
Cooked and ate a lobster roll every time I felt like a phony
Conquered your father to become Wino Daddy of the Year
(Regional)
Stole a machine gun from my priest
Wrote an incendiary yet tender, acidic yet achingly
emotional, witty yet piercing debut novel. Butter
Butt Bobcats on the Loose in Lusitania!
Convinced myself that isolation and loneliness are just extremely
painful abstractions
BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS YEAR
Pined with great futility for the phantom maiden of Ogden
Creek
Failed to change the face of Scottish Highland dancing
Unlearned everything I was taught at the feet of that
sinister cult leader
Became convinced that I could change the rabid, brain-dead
mountain lion I dated for two months
Emotionally alienated the brilliant and drop-dead gorgeous
woman I am blackmailing
Took a devastating punch to the sternum for five hundred
dollars below my usual rate
Lent hundreds of thousands of dollars to that guy who turned
out not to be Boz Scaggs
