Monday 8 December 2014

2014: My Year in Review


WONDERFUL THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS YEAR

Turned the bitter, acrimonious end of my marriage into a cult hit Adult Swim show

Took several tentative bites out of crime

Cooked and ate a lobster roll every time I felt like a phony

Conquered your father to become Wino Daddy of the Year (Regional)

Stole a machine gun from my priest

Wrote an incendiary yet tender, acidic yet achingly emotional, witty yet piercing debut novel. Butter Butt Bobcats on the Loose in Lusitania!

Convinced myself that isolation and loneliness are just extremely painful abstractions


BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS YEAR

Pined with great futility for the phantom maiden of Ogden Creek

Failed to change the face of Scottish Highland dancing

Unlearned everything I was taught at the feet of that sinister cult leader

Became convinced that I could change the rabid, brain-dead mountain lion I dated for two months

Emotionally alienated the brilliant and drop-dead gorgeous woman I am blackmailing

Took a devastating punch to the sternum for five hundred dollars below my usual rate

Lent hundreds of thousands of dollars to that guy who turned out not to be Boz Scaggs




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