LIST: Ten Nicknames For Your Unwanted Child

1) Lorenzo Adopto

2) Orange One

3) The Unforgiven

4) Mystery Meat

5) Billy Beer

6) Bilgy Bob

7) Begoneya

8) Platterpuss

9) Pipecleaner

10) Ummm...

My Kickstarter Page!

Hey guys, this time around I'd like to ask you for a favor. I'm launching a project on Kickstarter soon, and I just thought I'd run a rough draft of my Kickstarter page by you guys. Feel free to get in touch with me and let me know what you think. Thanks!

Hello, I am currently in the process of pursuing a goal that I have been working my entire life to achieve. Since I was ten years old, I have worked ceaselessly on making my goal a reality, toiling away in my parents' toolshed, furiously drafting and redrafting blueprints, only to scrap them entirely when they became unfeasible. Countless friends and family members have told me over the years to give up entirely, to focus on things like my job at the post office, taxidermy, and trying to get back my job at the post office. And yet, there remains within me a burning desire to see my goal to fruition! With your help, this can happen. I believe that for the relatively modest sum of $40,000, I can finally fulfill my dream: to build a time machine, go back in time, and make President Grover Cleveland punch me in the back of the neck while I eat lemon meringue pie.

You might be wondering: why does this man want President Grover Cleveland to punch him in the back of the neck while he eats lemon meringue pie? The answer to this question is that you shut your mouth. I do not need to explain the why, especially because if I did, it would take several hours to read and several buckets to mop up the tears you would surely shed. It is a poignant tale full of heartache and abandoned chili dogs. You need only know the how. Essentially, I am going to fashion the outer casing out of cardboard, sheet metal and old copies of Teen Vogue. The dials will be constructed out of old radio knobs and Adderall pills. My theory is that if I jump off the Empire State Building with enough of a running start, I can create a time warp that sends me back to 1887. Once there, I will brazenly mock his endorsement of the gold standard and suggest that his mother resembles a walrus drenched in leaf lard. He will then have no choice but to batter my neck with the full force of his ham-hock fists while I devour a lemon meringue pie for absolutely no reason.

Anyway, I figure out the potential cost of this enterprise by listening to outer-space radio serials from the 40's while meditating on top of a model nuclear reactor, so please give! I'll be sure to give Grover your thoughts on the Interstate Commerce Commission as he throttles the old mushroom stem!

LIST: Ten Quotes From Obscure Al Pacino Movies

1) My pancreas is like a time bomb! (Dumb Janitor)

2) I hate my grandmother's attitude towards bellydancing! (Scuba Cops)

3) Well, well-ow, my breastbone!-well. (Twitter: The Movie)

4) This party just got uber-picante! (Butter n' Ribs: The Guy Fieri Story)

5) No, no, call me Merton. Senor Chubbycakes is my FATHER'S name. (Remember The Time The Planet Sneezed?)

6) I lost my right foot, and my left foot, but I still got my middle foot! (The War Between The Three-Footed People and Lil' Wayne's Entourage)

7) Hoo ah, hoo ah, hoo ah, hoo ah, hoo ah, lettuce is on aisle 5. (The Al Pacino Impersonator Who Forgot How to Love)

8) I piled some sausage in this bassinet and I'm pretending it's my baby! (House Party 4: House Party In Space)

9) Pour some rotgut on the wound and let's head out with guns blazing! (Disney's The Silly Little Puppies)

10) Ow! I shot myself right in the passion! (Kids, I Am NOT Going to Push You Off Mount Rushmore, I Swear!)

My Harrowing Desert Island Diary

Day 1

The ship has sunk. I have no idea if there are any other survivors besides myself. I passed out while clinging to that buoy; I awoke to find myself washed ashore on this desert isle. My available resources are 8 litres of fresh water, twelve turkey sandwiches, five bottles of suntan lotion, and, of course, my beloved desert island discs. They are:

New Kids on the Block, Hangin' Tough
Billy Joel, The Stranger
Michael Bolton, Time, Love and Tenderness
Vanilla Ice, To the Extreme

These are not my ACTUAL desert island discs, mind you; I brought them along originally as goofy joke music for my job as cruise ship DJ. However, I can only hope they offer me some solace and company as I wait for rescue, allowing me to retain my sanity, faith and peace of mind. It's just a good thing I brought along that Discman for pointless kitsch value!

Day 2

Today I smashed Billy Joel's The Stranger. I just... I couldn't.


Day 3

I spent much of the morning wandering the shoreline and marveling at the numerous varieties of sea and plant life visible therein. It is truly humbling, the breathtaking cornucopia of sensual marvels of which the universe is capable. So much life on the most micro level imaginable! Stunning. This marvellous mood was soon punctured, however, by ten minutes of listening to Vanilla Ice's To the Extreme. Do you remember that there are faux-reggae songs on that thing? There are indeed faux-reggae songs on that thing. The dogs of madness are now licking at my boot heels; darkness approaches, of both the landscape and the soul.

Day 8

I captured, cooked and ate a fish today! Starvation has been staved off! I'd be happier about this, of course, if I hadn't tried listening to the New Kids on the Block album. I know it's not for me, but still. I thought this would remind me of human beings, but it's like snorting audio plastic. Boy, I really stuck it to that group that doesn't exist any more, says the head of the fish I just ate that is staring at me with a vengeful pity. Madness soon, maybe tomorrow.

Day 15

Death approaches on the wings of death's minions. This shall be my last communique, I suspect. All around me, doom circles like a famished vulture. And so, with the last of my strength, let me mark the end of my earthly consciousness by proclaiming: Michael Bolton is slightly underrated.

(Thus marked the end of Darren Springer's island journal. His life story will be turned into a film by director Danny Boyle. He is set to be played by Michael Bolton.)

LIST: Ten Ways To Unnerve Everyone In Your College Dorm

1) Offer everyone a "sloppy heap of curry custard"

2) Refer to everyone in your dorm as "my handsome little sheepdog"

3) Ask your roommate every day if they'd like to start a ham radio society, then immediately begin sobbing

4) Sputter haplessly through largely inaccurate plot recaps of episodes of The Equalizer

5) Walk up behind your roommate in the kitchenette and yell "your lasagne is almost as spicy as my lovelife!", then give them an aggressive sidehug

6) Leave out open and half-empty jars of peanut butter on your windowsill to "send the goblins a message that we will never back down"

7) Get creative and public with your use of loofahs

8) Angrily demand that your roommate review your sleeping position and give you tips on how to attract bedbugs

9) Tearfully ask the person at the front desk at your residence "You'd never blow up the chapel on my wedding day, would you?"

10) Loudly announce on your orientation day "If I were a truck, I'd be the truck that killed Jayne Mansfield!"

LIST: Things That Have Changed Since That Giant Blinking Eyeball Took Control Of The Planet

1) The institution of "Global Shower Hour"

2) The outlawing of Hawaiian pizza

3) Greater awareness and understanding of hairless cat rights

4) 1000% increase in death pits

5) The sun can talk now, apparently

6) #1 show on television is now "Slow Erosion of a Human Skull In the Desert", hosted by Tom Bergeron

7) We're really afraid of orange juice now for reasons that I have forgotten

8) Everyone who used to work as a management consultant is now a uranium miner

9) The world's oceans are all hounded by paparazzi

10) Average life expectancy is now "we'll finish you off as soon as possible"

REPOST: My Wikipedia Article, from June 21

Darren Springer (Born a split second after God created the wind in an orgasmic trance) is a renowned raconteur, auteur, flaneur, flambeur, entrepeneur, and patio furniture salesman. He has often been acclaimed, and on two occasions has been heralded, but, contrary to popular belief, has never been applauded.

Early Life

Born inside a mysterious membrane filled with ectoplasm and jelly on the edge of the New Mexico desert, Darren was discovered by a band of syphilitic prison wardens who had set up a commune called The Brotherhood of the Vomitous Falcons. They schooled Darren thoroughly in the arts of sabotage, thigh whipping, the post-genital arts, and “pre-antiquity ovarian baking”.

Career

In 1982 Darren began his career as a member of the East St. Louis Hooded Fangs, who terrorized the city fondling phallic produce and pretending to stumble over misplaced cleaning supplies. Between 1982 and 1989, hundreds of St. Louis residents were slightly annoyed or mildly inconvenienced by their strange yet tolerable exploits. The gang broke up in 1989 when most of them died during a rave held on top of twenty-eight live grenades. In 1991 Springer moved to Calgary and opened The Pepperoni Pen, a combination pizzeria and juvenile detention center. For eight consecutive years, readers of The Calgary Sun awarded The Pepperoni Pen the honors of “Cruelest and Most Inhumane Prison in the Province” and “Best Calzone”. He also owns eight jazzclubs, including the famed Flute and Tassel, and eight ballpoint pens. He has never sold patio furniture, and never will.

Personal Life

He gets around. You know? He gets around. I mean, not a lot, but he’s… he’s been around. He knows the score. He’s had his fair share of it. Never had to chase it either. It comes to him. Well, every now and then. I mean, he often gets afraid and doesn’t know how to go about it. But he usually closes the old deal, gets it done. One time it actually exploded. Even he’s not sure how that happened. He has no pets.

References in Popular Culture

Springer is mentioned in the 1985 breakdancing movie Ow! I Fractured My Spine While Breakdancing! I Should NOT Have Attempted Such a Risky Activity! The character of Eddie “Shitty Legs” Shittaye, played by Laurence Fishburne, mentions Springer 384 times throughout the course of the movie, never in a fitting or relevant context. The film’s other characters respond to each mention of his name by scratching their chins and loudly announcing their confusion.

In a 1995 episode of ER, the character of Jeremiah Chest, a literature professor played by Laurence Fishburne, mentions Springer 384 times throughout the course of the episode. The character of Doug Ross, played by George Clooney, becomes enraged and tries to suffocate Fishburne’s character with a small plush doll of Herb Alpert.

Awards

Springer has earned many awards throughout his career, including 87 Golden Brownies, 42 Stay Away Awards from the Society of Student Nurses, and eight Sarcastic Peabody Awards for “excellence” in broadcasting. He once stole a child’s backpack from a schoolbus, which he later bronzed and eventually ate.

Charity Work

Nah.