Friday, 31 August 2012

LIST: Ten Other Things That Clint Eastwood Pretends Are People

1) An uncooperative block of cheese

2) Unframed portrait of Thurgood Marshall

3) A Juicy Fruit wrapper he has nicknamed "Scrappy"

4) Broken 8-track player

5) The video for Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel"

6) 1983 issue of the A-Team comic book

7) Jar of mango chutney

8) Index card with the following written on it: "Every Which Way But Loose...Any Which Way You Can...Any Random Pile of Methamphetamines?"

9) His own image on a DVD copy of Unforgiven

10) Mitt Romney

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Thank You All For Attending This Emergency Meeting

I'd like to thank you all for attending this emergency meeting. I don't like being here any more than you do, but we need to address this matter as soon as possible or it will only snowball completely out of our control. The issue in question is one that has plagued all of us for quite some time, and I think we should finally put it to rest and move on with our lives. This is why I've called you here to the boardroom at 3 AM: so that we may finally find closure on this bothersome business forever. The issue at hand is, of course: what should I do to fully blast my deltoids?

I truly have tried everything! I do plenty of bench and other overhead presses every day, so you better believe my front delts ripple more ferociously than the Caspian Sea! Ha ha, yeah, I spent a lot of time working on that simile, so thanks for the nice words, Roger. Well, yeah, I know you didn't actually say anything; I just read the kindness in your eyes. Anyway, I think those are in decent shape, but it's the rear deltoids that might be the sticky wicket here. I need to keep those rear delts nice and supple to prevent any rotator cuff injuries on the mound this softball season. I gotta stay at full power if we're gonna rebuild this year! Hey, remember when I beaned Jim Ferguson from Prior Financial last year? I'm not proud of it, but he had it coming. He shouldn't have been standing on the bleachers like that.

Anyway, I've been trying the "bent-over lateral raise", where you bend over with dumbbells and then raise your arms upwards, but it doesn't seem to be doing much... wait, Leslie, where are you going? You thought this meeting had something to do with the company? I'm not sure what you're implying. This meeting has EVERYTHING to do with the company. I'm the CEO, and as a result I carry this company on my shoulders. Well, not literally, of course, but metaphorically. Actually, not metaphorically either, because CEO was just an honorary title my uncle gave me so he could put me on the payroll so I could move out of my parents' basement woodshed. I don't really do anything! Isn't that remarkable? I mean, even pond scum breeds. 

So, the rear delts... oops, everyone's gone. Hmm. Here I am, alone again as usual. Sigh. What a life I've lived. What a ride! First I was born, then I went to school, then I sat around, and then last night I ate turkey pot pie. Boy, the things I've seen... people talking about on the street! The places I've been... looking at in that atlas I found in that cave full of raccoons! And yet, still so much life yet to live. Boy, when I think ahead... ow, damn it, my delts just collapsed! Stupid muscle disease! Time for me to pay another visit to Dr. Felton Baxter. I wonder if he still has that electric fence around his estate?

Wednesday, 29 August 2012

LIST: Terrible Names for Professional Wrestlers

1) Jake "The Snack" Roberts

2) Empira the Mud Frog

3) Mr. Gangrene

4) Lord Footrub

5) The Guy Who Looks Like a Broken Eraser

6) The Emperor of Ice Cream

7) The Soggy Pepperoni Dame

8) Effigy Of The Late William Kunstler

9) The Early Finisher

10) The Second Coming of Jim Nabors

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

LIST: Ten Ways In Which The State Of Arizona Will Eventually Mark The Beginning Of A Pregnancy

1) Two weeks before conception

2) Right after the previous menstrual cycle BEFORE the one that leads to pregnancy

3) At the end of the Netflix viewing of Wild Things that led to the act of conception

4) Any time you think about sex

5) Any time you read or hear the word "sex"

6) Whenever a man and a woman meet

7) Whenever you fondle a grapefruit

8) The beginning of your nephew's baptism

9) Right now

10) You are pregnant right now

Monday, 27 August 2012

A Truly Irresistible Offer!

You're going to meet a lot of people in life who simply try to please you. They'll agree to any position you take on any subject, simply to avoid conflict or remain on friendly terms with you, regardless of how misguided or false your views might be. These people might actually believe they're helping you or making your life easier. Trust me: they aren't. All they're doing is perpetuating the inflated sense of self that is going to keep you from making real friends and achieving true intimacy and trust with others. 

I am not one of these yes people, these enablers. I truly do have your best interests at heart. I believe that you could be living a life you've only dreamed of. Your station in life could, nay must, be elevated to a position heretofore unimaginable! I want to help you become the you that you and only you can be.   But of course, that doesn't mean telling you what you want to hear, regardless of whether or not it's true. And it doesn't mean feeding you a constant stream of insincere compliments. No, my plan for putting you in touch with your true essence is simple yet bold. In short, I would like to be the person who repeatedly pushes you into a ditch.

How big will this ditch be? About average; just your typical drainage ditch. What will be in this ditch? Nothing that you wouldn't normally find in a ditch. Possibly rainwater, if it rained earlier that day. Who will be watching me push you into a ditch? Well, I'm certainly not planning on inviting anyone to this, although if you plan on inviting your parole officer or kindergarten teacher, as those I've pushed in the past I've done, then by all means! I obviously cannot guarantee that there will be no passersby witnessing the push, but if you prefer we can try to find a relatively remote ditch that few would pass by on their way to work or prison. (Sorry I've already brought up prison AND parole officers; prison has been on my mind lately. My father is coming home next weekend after spending 12 years at Guantanamo Bay as both a guard AND a prisoner!)

What will I shout at you as I push you? I usually try not to shout anything at all, although as with the passersby, I cannot guarantee anything. The pushing tends to be a strangely erotic ritual for me; I become very aroused when placed in a role of authority or mastery, which is to say almost never. Often enough I find that, as hard as I try to remain silent during the push, I will unwittingly shout out some feverish exhortation or other, such as "Flog me Timothy!" or "Till my field, you sweaty Viking minx!" My therapist has suggested that this is healthy and cathartic, which may be true; I just think it's a hoot!

Anyway, please appoint me the person who repeatedly pushes you into a ditch. If I first have to apprentice as the person who repeatedly kisses you on the forehead, that's A-OK!

Friday, 24 August 2012

LIST: Ten Very Cool Grandmas

1) Nelly Sigurdson, who cooks her mailman a "psychedelic chicken pot pie" every Friday

2) Ellie McGee, who doesn't understand all this froufra about the kids having the sex and the whatnot. As long as they're being responsible, let 'em have fun!

3) Evelyn Thompson, who accidentally walked into an anarchist bookstore last week and asked them if they have "any new James Herriot"

4) Annie Buford, who refers to those fatcat politicians in Ottawa as "boomerangs" because they're all crooked!

5) Stella Ginty, who is going to drive HERSELF to see Ron James, thank you very much!

6) Elma Jackson, who sometimes wears a Ramones T-shirt when she volunteers at wedding socials

7) Betty Barrie, who is taking yoga classes regardless of what that old cuss of a hubby thinks!

8) Alice Westwood, who likes to spice up her scripture readings at Sunday service by delivering them like she's an insult comic like Don Rickles!

9) Madge Allison, who likes to listen to the radio while she bakes so she knows what music to buy the grandkids on Christmas

10) Harriet Neilor, who figures that age isn't a number- it's a state of mind!

Thursday, 23 August 2012

The Difference Between Stuff I Like And Stuff I Don't Like

I'm here to talk about the difference between things I like and things I don't like. A lot of people have asked me if there's a distinct difference between things I like and things I do not care for. Here is a handy primer.

Things that I like all possess a certain majesty, a certain operatic excess of spirit. A good example of this is the ball-point pen I use to write angry notes to my neighbors in which I angrily invite them to my barbecues. There is a certain baroque, operatic quality to the things I like that is largely absent from the things I don't like. For instance, the guy at the donut shop with a weird ducktail hairdo is very baroque and operatic in spirit. You can tell that within him lie great passions, frustrations and rages, and that he has probably spent time in juvie for pushing over an ice cream truck. I also find that things I like are very graceful and smooth yet sassy, like if someone turned Grace Jones into a chocolate mousse. Something else that is graceful and smooth yet sassy is the monkey that sits at the foot of my bed every night and sends telepathic warnings of my upcoming death. Look at his little tail!

But boy, I tell you. Those things in life I don't like? Brother, don't get me storted! Stirted! Sturted! (What's the expression again?) The things I don't like tend to be boorish, tactless. Falling into this category is local weatherman Jeff Bethere, who insists on leaving his blinds closed during intimate moments with his gardener and mail carrier. Does he not realize that sex is meant to be shared, public, and disgusting? I also don't like things that have a desperate, keening quality to them, as if they are helpless babies crying out for suckling. This definitely describes the cat who walks around my neighborhood eating the roast chickens I place on street corners for local toddlers to nest inside of. Can they not kill, cook and prepare their own roasted deli meats? How else do these cats expect area children to learn how to hide from collections agencies and parole officers? For shame!

Anyway, I hope this sums up the standards I hold for everyday life. If you have any further questions in this regard, ask someone who cares! (Namely, my literary agent Dawn Mackley, who is a delightfully empathetic person.)

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

LIST: Ten Things Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne Might Have Said To Each Other On Their Engagement Night, In Order Of Least to Most Likely

10) "Will you marry me?"

9) "Can you deny the corporate synergy that would be forged by our union?"

8) "I would enjoy it a lot if I could be your benefactor!"

7) "Does clause B on page 82 of the contract seem to your liking?"

6) "My lawyers have been talking to your lawyers, and, well, I think you know where this is going..."

5) "I have a pie chart here that suggests that it would make good fiscal sense for me to love you forever."

4) "Honey, you're so beautiful it's like you were highly compressed and fussed over in the studio by a team of industry hacks."

3) "I can't wait for us to bring new money into the world!"

2) "Clive Davis has already offered to be the godfather of our new money."

1) "Money, let's get money! I money you money!!!"

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

LIST: Ten Titans of Industry

1) Goff Alderman, inventor of No-Natural Puff Meat Spread

2) Blink Jasen, head of the very powerful Anti-Definition Board

3) Alanaka Biwg, CEO of Leftpocket/Staine Industries

4) Gork Naeti, founder of Stray Bullet Playground Consortium

5) Niecey Duclois, who stands outside the Best Buy yelling "Why do I need bags of hair??!!" and somehow makes millions of dollars a year doing it

6) Stickey, a very silly dog, and I mean VERY silly

7) Galaneta Bigovia, who invented a Twitter app that allows you to read other Twitter users' tweets

8) Maeti Bowtow, who once suggested that bananas should be dyed red and gets pelted with millions of dollars worth of nickels every year as a result

9) Gonny Pugh, who DEFINITELY gets it

10) Elliot Boow, who NEVER WILL

Monday, 20 August 2012

Letter To The Complete Stranger I Argued With On Twitter

Dear anonymous person on Twitter,

First of all, know that you brought this on yourself. I'm sure that when you wrote that rather rude tweet about that person I am a fan of, making sure to mention them in it directly, and then that person retweeted you, the last thing you wanted or expected was to draw attention to yourself and make people angry. You probably thought, "Well, glad I lanced that boil! Now to retreat to Gilmore Girls DVD's and kettle chips!" But oh no, my friend, t'was not to be. You've rattled this hornet's nest, and now King Stinger's ready to plant his seed! (A wasp sting is like sex for them, right? That's why they die when they lose their stinger, just like in pornography?) Anyway, you're gonna get the last thing YOU ever wanted: a heated, dashed-off reply that you can easily deflect by using even a modicum of logic!

Following your response, I'll continue my totally unwelcome assault by maintaining a nearly incoherent stream of invective that bears only the slightest relevance to your original tweet. When this predictably fails to shame you into renouncing your views, I'll begin to make personal attacks based solely on either sheer conjecture or whatever scraps of information I can glean from your tweets or your bio. When you counter by doing the same, I'll become unjustifiably defensive and accuse you of making assumptions without knowing anything about me. Then you'll point out that I did this too, at which point I'll start openly mocking you for any reason I can find, no matter how small or petty. You'll stop responding, presumably because I've really put you in your place, and not because you have other things to do with your day. I'll keep tweeting at you for a while, though, just to make sure I've really sunk in the dagger, and not because the act of feuding with you has brought to the surface feelings of suppressed rage and powerlessness that I am now taking out on you. Finally, I'll stop tweeting and bask in a false sense of victory, secure in the knowledge that you've been converted to my way of thinking and that I've dealt you the ultimate blow by validating your existence and instilling in you a sense of power. Won't that make you feel like quite the cur!

After administering my death blow, I'll go for a walk in the park and crow to myself about how foolish I made you look and about what a rhetorical powerhouse I am. Then it will immediately hit me that I spent all afternoon arguing with someone I've never met over something as meaningless as a tweet. Spiralling quickly, I will begin to second-guess every life decision that might have led me to such a regrettable folly. I'll then retreat to the mountains, where an elderly sage named Abner will offer me a tab of acid and share with me the secret to becoming the me that is present in the now. I'll have a lengthy conversation with his pet cheetah Cheetah Rivera, who will reveal to me that my energy should be redirected to establish harmony with the sun and the river. He will offer me morning glory squares and I will refuse. Then I will return to civilization and probably write a self-deprecating blog post about the whole affair. Upon typing the previous sentence, I will hate myself even more.



Saturday, 18 August 2012

LIST: Ten Books On My Bookshelf That I Will Never Read


1) Whatever's Bothering You Is Only Bothering YOU, by Dr. Steven Piege (Not a Real Doctor)

2) Wild Mushrooms That You Could Probably Take a Chance On Eating, by Bub Maxwell

3) "The Unplugged Generation": An In-Depth Explanation of How I Lost The USB Cable For My Ipod, by Professor Piege Steven

4) Stroking Towards Home: Why I Spent Eight Years Swimming Inside The Stomach Of A Killer Whale And What This Could Mean For Your Love Life, by Brian Austin Green

5) An Oral History Of Irritable Bowel Syndrome by Dolph Lundgren and Edward Woodward


6) Journey To The End of Chafing by Glut Bobson

7) A Series of Characters Invented For The Sole Purpose of Having Fictional Mouthpieces Through Which I Can Express My Opinions On Popular Culture by a whole bunch of people

8) Increasingly Rare Children's Book That Is Aimed Exclusively At Children by Piege Stevens

9) Incredibly Popular Genre Fiction That No One Will Admit To Having Read by P.G. Steve

10) Tweet Treats: My 101 Funniest Twitter Delights by Charles Manson

Friday, 17 August 2012

LIST: Ten Best Things to Say To A Junior High Bully

1) "My mom says the only reason you pick on me is because you don't like me and I'm weak! Take that!"

2) "If this was Kansas in the 1950's, you'd be my husband!"

3) "You might be cool now, but your life's only going to be downhill from here, unless you're very confident and you are and never mind!"

4) "Who's your favorite American confessional poet? Mine's Anne Sexton!"

5) "Hey, my doctor said it's perfectly fine for my heat-seeking area to look like a dehydrated George Wendt!"

6) "Save me, Strawberry Shortcake, save me!"

7) "I'm gonna get ya with my nunchucks- oh, shoot, these aren't nunchucks, they're copies of Chatelaine from 1991."

8) "A styrofoam peanut becomes more like a real peanut if you smear it in peanut butter. No, please, not my cumberbund!"

9) "My cat's scathing critiques of contemporary Broadway drama have kept me in stitches on many a Saturday night!"

10) "Wanna buy some of my thin mints? It's to raise money for my trip to see Up With People. And if you buy two, you get a free hug!"

Thursday, 16 August 2012

An Open Letter To My Creditors

Dear creditors,

This letter is addressed specifically to the following: Royal Bank of Canada, Canada Student Loans, TD Bank, and notorious loan shark Jimmy "The Surprisingly Incompetent Loan Shark" Sharkey. It has recently come to my attention that I apparently borrowed substantial sums of money from each of you in the past. I am forced to take your word in this matter, as I am an artist and live purely in the moment, free of the constraints and demands of the past. I exist in a sort of ethereal chamber of creativity and delight that is occasionally infringed upon by Toys R' Us employees asking "Sir, can you please put the pants back on those Dark Knight Rises figurines?" In any case, I understand that your needs are not my needs, and that you move to the clock of commerce, with its minute hand made of 24-karat gold and its hour hand made of sterling silver and also the second hand is just a very small man trying to sell you on tech futures. The problem, however, is that your philosophy of "repay us the money we lent to you" conflicts entirely with my philosophy of "I don't want to do that." So, in the interest of fairness, I have come up with some possible solutions that I hope will be suitable to all parties.

1) Meet me in a park of your choosing next week and beat my debt out of me. There are ground rules for this, of course. Any beating implements must not be made of iron or any alloy. Wood is an acceptable substance, but only if padded with a soft substance such as gym mats, couch stuffing or Fleet Foxes albums. Hands are allowable only if cushioned by boxing gloves, styrofoam or the whispers of an anemic child. You can kiss me only if you are being ironic.

2) I am willing to spend 50 hours a week (at least) working off my debt by just hanging out in your offices and cracking jokes in order to ease the drudgery of your work days. I do several outrageous impressions that often get extremely close to, if not IN, your face. I also have several hilarious catchphrases I can spout at several key moments. For instance, if someone trips and falls on the office carpet, I can shout in their face "Hey, what's with the dive? The Olympics are over!" Or if you're feeling down in the dumps, I can call you "Mr. Cool" or "The Fonz" or "Dom Arigato", a very suave Italian guy I just made up who loves his mother but also emanates a certain desperate, if slightly sad, machismo. You'll laugh away the pain caused by your divorce or the death of your cousin or sexuality!

Anyway, do get back to me and let me know your preference. If neither of these are attractive options, I can always just fake my death. Anyway, toodles!


Wednesday, 15 August 2012

LIST: Ten Great Expressions From the 1930's

1) "She's one saucy little pizza!"

2) "You're either rollin' a six or getting pelted by bricks!"

3) "That fella's really chompin' the credenza!"

4) "I oughta send that mug to the soup kitchen wearin' nothin' but a loose-fittin' tuxedo jacket!"

5) "I tell ya, I got the pancreas of a pancake!"

6) "What, not speakin'? Did the Lindbergh baby steal your voicebox and do the Charleston on top of it and then urinate on it in a fairly unnecessary display of scorn?"

7) "Oh no, I swallowed a fairly large steel pipe!"

8) "He fiddled when he should've diddled! But hey, who am I to judge- I've been hallucinating for four days."

9) "Boy, I'd love to paddle the pageboy with a very large thwaptraption!"

10) "Do you have any bread or water to spare? My family and I have been wandering for days and are very very hungry."

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

LIST: Ten Best Things For Dudes To Yell At Ladies From a Car

1) "You are looking defiantly unsexed! Allow me to sex you greatly with the aid of my comprehensive new sex kit from Tyco Industries!"

2) "The gap between the rich and the poor increases by the very minute! Reveal breasts immediatement!"

3) "I'm lonely and you look like my mom! And she's REALLY lonely! Such is modern life!"

4) "Ron Palillo, who played Horshack on Welcome Back, Kotter, has died today at the age of 63! Let's hold each other and rage at the hooded figure of mortality!"

5) "Are your pants made of mirrors? Because I can see myself in them! Seriously, isn't it uncomfortable wearing pants made of mirrors? Especially in the summer? Oh, my Hannah Montana wig fell off!"

6) "I want to play croquet with my own testicles! Marinate in that information and then serve!"

7) "I enjoy your arts and crafts! They have a certain primitive power that I can only assume stems from your status as a complete imbecile! Let's go play in the sandbox!"

8) "I took the wrong medication this morning and as a result I am capable of feeling sexually stimulated! Well, good luck mowing that lawn!"

9) "I know what you're thinking, and YES, I am the police officer from the news who framed an innocent man for a drug murder I committed! And you have the right to remain SEXY!"

10) "I love my father's e-mail forwards! They are delightfully raunchy yet good-natured!"

Monday, 13 August 2012

The Latest in Fall Fashion

Gang, summer's halfway over, and it's time to start thinking about what frocks of glory we'll all be donning come autumn! You might be asking yourself "Why do I have to start thinking about fall in early August? And why can't I just wear what I wore last year?" The answer to both questions is, "Because we'll all die one day, specifically March 21, 2013, in the biblical flame of unearthly wrath that God shall use to clutch us once more to his hairy bosom. Until that day of eternal homecoming, however, you'll want to sport a nice peacoat or whatever. So, here are a couple of choice fall looks to keep the bats of fashion out of the belfry of not looking as cool as that guy Derek who plays bass in that local band Bluffcaller.

The Cynical Bunny

Fall is a time of gentle yet irrevocable decay. What says "gentle decay" better than a large talking bunny adopting an attitude of angry pessimism? The hot look this fall is "charcoal-soiled bunny costume". Stand outside your local singles bar in this get-up while holding a carrot and shouting bitterly about the alcoholic fire-eater who took your virginity and then cruelly gave it back. Point at the orange stains on your outfit and say "This is the residue from all the remorse Cheetos I been eating. My feelings taste like wet soot, so I gots to cover em up." Prepare for shabby treatment from the paparazzi, who will ambush you with such questions as "Who are you?" and "Can we please eat at Hardee's in peace?"

The Insulated Two-Story House

This look is simple yet insouciant!

First, take stock of the areas of your body or soul where air can enter or escape. These would include your ears and your personality. Then, wrap all of these areas with fiberglass, mineral wool, and cotton, making sure in the process that you do not think about how your ex lives in Florida working as a beekeeper for a drug kingpin nicknamed "The Key Chain" because he "holds keys". Now you should measure your RSI value, which indicates how effective your insulation really is. If you score a 1, or a "Sean Young", then your body is porous and riddled with pinprick holes of filthy emotion. If, however, you score a 10, or a "Gillian Anderson", your soul is as tightly sealed as a pickle jar in an Amish pantry. Next, cover your lower half in cement and make sure your foundation isn't leaky. Not only are you stylish, but just think of the miserable Eugene O'Neill-style dramas that will unfold inside you over the next 100 years, before you are demolished to make way for a two-story Japanese/Polish fusion restaurant called Sushi By Belushi!

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

LIST: Top Ten Candidates For My New Catchphrase

1) "And the beaver done kicked the bucket!"

2) "You still suckin' the gravy?"

3) "I swear I ain't pullin' your pork!"

4) "Kiss your cousin now, 'cause we're all gonna die!"

5) "The lacier the blouse, the roomier the house!"


7) "This bar don't serve no unicorns!"


9) "Here's an idea: why don't I steal the vegetarian chili?"

10) "I have become death, destroyer of worlds."

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

LISTILICIOUS: The Ten Best Places to Update Your Dream Journal

1) In your bedroom at 3 AM after a successful "cheeseburger cleanse"

2) In the middle of your grandfather's funeral while trying to help carry the casket

3) After getting hit by a car, but before putting down the barbecue chicken you're eating while waiting for the ambulance

4) Inside the world's largest ice cream cone the day before it gets eaten

5) Under the bed of former CBC broadcaster Knowlton Nash

6) In utero

7) On the air in Cincinnati, Cincinnati WKRP

8) Inside the whisper of a dream that a clown purchased for 10% off at a fire sale at a Kansas City strip mall

9) Whilst shivering in fright in the shadow of empire

10) While hiding under an old jalopy during the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre

Monday, 6 August 2012

My Philosophy: A Summation

Always do to others what you would have done to death.

Keep an open mind about living in an open sewer.

The definition of humanity is "a portly otter eating an abandoned tuxedo."

Love is what happens when two souls, wild and passionate and racing against the moon, come together to agree that late-period Springsteen is hopelessly corny.

Dying is easy; kicking a field goal from 90 yards away while you're high on codeine, sleep-deprived and dehydrated is hard.

War is never justified unless it's a long weekend and you don't have to get up early on Monday.

Late capitalism is better than early Steely Dan but far worse than mid-period Mariah Carey.

If you ever lose yourself, put up posters in your neighborhood alerting others of your absence. Perhaps someone has seen you at a bus station or YMCA? You should keep in mind, of course, that you might not want to be found. You might be in Sao Paolo posing as a private detective for free butterscotch sundaes.

Regarding the question of "nature vs. nurture", the answer of course is "fat Elvis".

Religion is not the opiate of the masses, but rather the open-faced sandwich of the masses. It's a turkey sandwich on white bread and the turkey represents theocracy and the bread is doubt and the gravy is the way your minister insisted on patting you on the head during communion. Religion is served with your choice of potato and mixed vegetables.

All people are one. Some people, of course, are definitely two. Jeff Beck and Laurie Metcalf from Roseanne are the only people in the world who are three.

"Hyundai" is a Korean word meaning "piece of shit". Seriously, anyone drive one of these things? They break down so often you'd think they were being interviewed by Barbra Walters. Thank you, I will be here all weekend, try the ribs.

Art is distinguished from entertainment by a willingness to challenge or unsettle. Take, for instance, Un Chien Andalou and House Party 2: one is a bracing, disturbing blast of surrealism, and the other is Un Chien Andalou. Thank you, I will be here all weekend, try the ribs.

Politics is a game. Specifically, it is Sorry, in the sense that you are actively stopping the progress of others and at the end of the game it's like "Hey, look, there are still all the poor people!"

Death is like standup: it is customary to go out on a laugh. Keep the delightful Jim Gaffigan on hand at your deathbed.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

LISTALOO: My Ten Favorite Ice Cream Flavors

1) Tooty Fruity

2) Scritti Politti

3) Gandhi Floss

4) Putting Green Apple

5) Meadowlark Lemon

6) Chocolate Labrador

7) Vanilla Sexual Interests

8) StrawBarry Bonds's Steroid-Induced Pumpkin Noggin

9) BaNana Richards Wants You To Know What A Neglectful Grandson You're Being

10) Cheesecake Photos Of Your Aunt From When She Was In College In 1987

Saturday, 4 August 2012

LISTLESS: Ten Best Dance Songs To Ever Appear On A "Much Dance" Compilation

1) Mr. Oonce Oonce, "Oonce Oonce Oonce Oonce (I Feel Nothing For My Disowned Son)"

2) 2 Sexy 4 My Job As A Customs Agent, "Please Declare If You Are Horny"

3) MC Monkey Michael and the Banana Crew, "I Am Currently Despondent Due to Romantic and Digestive Difficulties"

4) Clang!, "Do NOT Ask Me How This Happened, But I Accidentally Whipped Myself In The Lower Back"

5) Unlimited To What I Feel Is Probably An Excessive Degree, "Probably Wouldn't Have Fallen Into That Open Sewer While Dancing If My Eyes Had Been Open"

6) Fake Hair Creek, "I Dropped My Pizza (Sex Euphemism)"

7) Amigos Del Legos, "Look I Made a Model Of Our House (Sex Euphemism)"

8) Dance Cap, "Sit In The Corner And Think About What You've Danced"


10) Cipher, "What An Amazing Song This Is!!! (Shitty Song Remix)"

Friday, 3 August 2012

LISTABUNGA: Ten Great Quotes From My New Book About Acting, THE ACTOR'S SATCHEL

1) "When one is acting, one is never reacting; rather, one is eating potato salad and waiting for one's next line." (page 15)

2) "In order to act, the actist--oops, I'm sorry, that's a typo, I'll fix that later-- the actist must look to the sky for the flightpath of the crow. If he flies northeast to southwest, you'll win a Golden Globe!" (page 37)

3) "If you are called upon to do a British accent, simply aim for a German accent. When you fail, and fail you will, your voice will land soundly in Germaniatown, where chocolate statues await!" (page 56)

4) "Are you acting opposite a woman? Firstly, stay calm. Regardless of how you found yourself in such a dire situation, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Offer her bushels of nuts and berries until her appetite is sated and she leaves the soundstage. Phew! That was a close one!" (page 82)

5) "Acting with masks is a very effective form of dramatic training. Also, you can wear your masks during the commission of several health-food store robberies in the area, which should bankroll your production of The Rules of the Game!" (page 107)

6) "When acting in a very tense and hard-hitting courtroom scene, deliver most of your lines while bent at the waist and looking at the floor. This will signal that your character is "doubled-over" with legal acumen. Viewers, with tears pooling at the corners of their eyes, will announce "The top of that man's head is at the top of its game!" (page 136)

7) "Have you tried this new grape Fanta? MMMMM!! So delicious and refreshing, you'd think the grapes were fresh off the vine! Deeelish! If any representatives from Fanta are reading this tome, I am always available for TV or print endorsements. Get in touch with my agent Bartholomew Stinch. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes: whenever possible, avoid Danny Aiello." (page 188)

8) "Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who swears that I am the one, but the kid is not my son. Anyway, that should clear up the persistent rumors about me and Billie Jean King, although, in fairness, those rumors were started by me. I am a very lonely man." (page 211)

9) "Remember that when acting for film, less is more. Make your facial expressions as subdued and subtle as possible. In fact, do not move your face at all. Study ventriloquism so you will not have to move your lips. Critics will call your performance 'huh?'" (page 238)

10) "But seriously, about the acting with women thing: I think the main reason I am afraid of women is that my Ozarks pa-pa Elmer Duddle taught me growing up that women are ravenous cyborg-cannibals who hunger after my thick soul-gravy. I realize this is not 'technically' true, but I admit I am still under the sway of Daddy Duddle's 1968 book Women Folk: The Purty Menace. Worth a read for sure!" (page 281)

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Three Great Moments in Olympic History

With the Summer Olympics upon us, it's time to look back at some of the most inspiring and triumphant moments these games have offered us over the decades. The Olympics have that magical ability to inspire rampant, unchecked jingoism in the kind of people who, with a straight face, will then criticize others for "politicizing" the games. Herewith, then, are some legendary Olympic highlights.

Mexico City, 1968

During the men's shotput competition, judges discover that Russian athlete Mikhail Rumanov had greased the shotput prior to throwing it. Rumanov confessed that he had done so in order to make the small and very heavy ball easier to throw great distances. Judges pointed out that this would also make the ball virtually impossible to pick up or grip. At this point, Rumanov broke down and began weeping, pleading with the officials not to disqualify him. The officials assured him that he would not be disqualified because he hadn't actually done anything to give himself an advantage, unfair or otherwise.  Rumanov thanked them profusely, and ended up using a different shotput. Ultimately, Rumanov placed 7th out of 8 competitors. In an interview with Russian Shotput Monthly years later, Rumanov confessed to having placed performance-enhancing drugs in his ears during the competition to give him an edge. Mr. Rumanov currently resides in an abandoned refrigerator on the outskirts of Vladivostock, and stares in wonder at a Kremlin snow globe while local children douse him in bear saliva.

Montreal, 1976

French athlete Michelle Desrochiers, a self-proclaimed "avant-garde badminton player", takes the Montreal games by storm. Before matches, Desrochiers would pass out her self-printed manifesto to fans in the stands, in which she announced her intentions to challenge the bourgeois-capitalist values that mainstream badminton promoted, however unwittingly. Desrochiers' sustained critique of badminton involved using unorthodox materials in place of conventional equipment. For example, instead of a racket, Desrochiers used a stuffed raccoon smeared in lipstick and iguana blood, and instead of a regular shuttlecock, she insisted on playing with a plastic vagina with the words LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS scrawled across it. Also, rather than spending the entire game on the court, Desrochiers would often spend an entire match in the stands, either leaving her side empty or recruiting a crowd member to play for her while she shot at them with a BB gun. Desrochiers caused great controversy among fellow avant-badmintonites during her final game against Finland's Taanen Selanen when she used an actual racket to hit an actual shuttlecock over the net. This cost her a very lucrative endorsement deal with Duplessi Brand Razor O's, the world's only razor-blade-based breakfast cereal. 

Every Olympics Ever

The host city buses the homeless out of town or places large tarps over them and everyone pretends this isn't happening. This only happens for the two weeks the Olympics are in town, of course; the rest of the year they are treated with compassion and respect.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012


Taking a break from posting a silly list today to bring you something I wrote three years ago for the Apple Crisp online zine that I still like. Enjoy!