Tuesday, 31 July 2012

LISTAROONIO: Great 70's Funk Album Titles

1) Locked in the Funk of a Car

2) Slam Funk

3) Funk and Disorderly

4) Funk Mail

5) The Benedictine Funks of Santo Dofunko De Soulis

6) Elements of Wild Style by Funk and White

7) I Funked Out of Veterinary School, So Now I’m A Carnie Working The Funk Tank

8) I Can’t Believe I Funked All Of My Life Savings Into This Artificial Groove Thang

9) Shit, I Just Got Sprayed By A Rabid Funk! AND I Lost My Life Savings!

10) Life Feels Hopeless Because I Just Feel Like My Existence Is In No Way Meaningfunk

Monday, 30 July 2012

A Chapter From My New Romance Novel!!!!!

By now, I’m sure many of you are familiar with the smash hit bestselling romance novel Fifty Shades of Grey, which, as I understand it, is about fifty horses, all of them various shades of grey, who become paralyzed at the legs in a freak funk-aerobics accident and have to be taught to dance and love again by a loutish yet charming hip-hop dancer from the Bronx nicknamed Garlic Alfredo (to be played in the movie version, rumor has it, by Channing Tatum). 

According to the story surrounding the book’s publication, the novel actually started as Twilight fan fiction until the author changed the names of the main characters, as well as some of the more vampire-centric details. (Example: “He sank his fangs into her neck” became “They had some really corking sex, following which they sat in beanbag chairs and talked about vintage cartoons from the 1930’s.”) Anyway, all this hoopla has inspired me to adapt some fan fiction of my own into a bonafide bodice-ripper! Herewith is an except from my upcoming romance novel About a Half Dozen Or So Pinkish Tones, which is adapted from a piece of 60 Minutes fan fiction I wrote three years ago. Enjoy this snippet!

Longtime 61 Minutes producer Donald Prewitt walked into his office in the WBS News headquarters in New York City. He had produced the show for many years and had helped to set a nearly insurmountable standard for television journalism. He had won many Enny Awards throughout his career, as well as several Teabuddies. He was about to meet with veteran anchor Muck Wallis about a new story he’d been working on that was proving to be a real hot potato. The story suggested that former president Greg Dubloon Bash had definitely lied about the presence of WMD’s (Warpaints of Major Delight) in the country of Alack. Prewitt and Wallis wanted to be sure that Wallis’s sources could be trusted and that every fact asserted in the piece was checked and double-checked.

“Don,” Muck announced, “this story is a real powderkeg. And if we’re not careful, it’s gonna blow powder all over our wigs, rendering them ‘powdered wigs’, as it were.”

Prewitt frowned. “I don’t wear a wig, Muck.”

Wallis shrugged. “Well, your codpiece then. You’ll have a powdered codpiece. Any man who doesn’t wear a wig wears a codpiece. I read that in the Farmer’s Almanac.”

“You almost certainly did not, Muck. Anyway, your source on the yellowcake uranium thing, ‘Mr. Whisper’, he’s reliable? He’s been vetted?”

Wallis nodded enthusiastically. “Yep, he’s the real deal. I had him over for turkey dinner with the wife. He’s got a strong handshake, he’s a Jets fan, and he did this hilarious routine where he pretended his turkey leg was a banjo and he was a drifter in the 1930’s who sang songs about ladies’ neckbones. He’s a swell bro!”

Prewitt chuckled and shook his head. “Oh, Muck.  Whatever shall we do with you?”

“Tee hee,” Wallis giggled. “I sure hope no one ever finds out that I’m secretly a bit of a randy nincompoop.” He paused and sighed with great contentment. “Hey Don,” he whispered, “you thinking what I’m thinking?”

The two men made love. It was brisk, efficient and economical, although veteran correspondent Randy Mooney didn’t think it was as good as it used to be, and talked about it at length during his segment on the week’s broadcast.


Sunday, 29 July 2012

LISTORAMA: Ten Memorable Rap/Easy Listening Duets

1) DMX and Ringo Starr, "What Kind of Monster Doesn't Love Cotton Candy?"

2) Salt n' Pepa and Lee Greenwood, "Let's Not Talk About Sex, But Instead About How Lucky We Are To Be Living In The Old U.S.A."

3) Dr. Dre and Mike and the Mechanics, "Naughty Puppy Playground"

4) Nicki Minaj and Don Henley, "Let's Measure Our Inseams While High on Mescaline"

5) Drake and Jackson Browne, "Is It Weird That I'm Eating Popcorn At My Uncle's Surgery?"

6) Eminem and Anne Murray, "I Don't Know How I Managed To Cheat On My Wife While I Was In A Coma, But I Did"

7) Jay-Z and Air Supply, "Doing The Robot Ironically Isn't Funny Anymore"

8) Lil Wayne and Bryan Adams, "You Are Hereby Kicked Out Of The Supercool Army Dudes Treehouse Club!!!!!"

9) Vanilla Ice and Gordon Lightfoot, "Ha Ha, OK. Well, OK, Let's Give It A Rest Now. I Mean, We've Had Our Fun, But That's... Maybe Going A Bit Too Far. Heh Heh. Shut Up."

10) Kanye West and Neil Sedaka, "I Thought It Was Funny, But Then Again I've Ingested A Lot Of Hazardous Chemicals In My Job As A Bible Salesman"

Saturday, 28 July 2012

LISTYLOO: Ten Quotes From My Somewhat Fictionalized Muhammad Ali Biopic

1) "You may have floated like a butterfly, but you neglected your son!"

2) "Sure, I'll go to Vietnam. But on one condition: that you send home my good friend John Rambo!"

3) "Sure, I'll give your demo a listen. What's the name of your band? 'The Beatles'? Yeesh."

4) "Sure, I'll give your demo a listen. What's the name of your band? 'Hoobastank"? Yeesh."

5) "It's called moonshine, and we gotta haul it over the county line before Boss Hogg gets his mitts on us!"

6) "Well, I have to keep my promise to my father. Now that I've won the heavyweight belt, I am going to eat it."

7) "The vampires are flying now? Damn it, no way I can rope-a-dope my way out of this one."

8) "(sobs) I never would've gone on The Real World if I knew I'd have to live with someone like Shawna!"

9) "Mm, meatlovers pizza! Num num num!" (Eats pizza for twenty minutes, passes out in front of McMillan and Wife rerun)

10) "Well, it was a pleasure to meet you. Best of luck to you, Mr. Forrest Gump."

Friday, 27 July 2012

LISTONI: Ten Things You Shouldn't Say When Someone Tells You They Love You

1) "Don't ask me how, but I managed to figure that out from sifting through your garbage."

2) "I'm afraid I'm already married to the sea. Whoops, I mean "The C", famed hip-hop producer and clothing designer."

3) "You still haven't seen through the facade? Huh. Thought you were smarter than that."

4) "Well, in turn, I am in love with the IDEA of loving you."

5) "Love is a capitalist construct. Is there any way I can make a lot of money from you loving me?"

6) "I knew it. Is it my jogging shorts and the tightness thereof?"

7) "Whoa whoa, stop what you're saying right now. Shut up. I just came up with a great lyric. 'You love me, but I don't love you/I laugh to myself at what you're going through...'"

8) "That is interesting, as I have been gored in the love muscle by the bull of wanting to have sex with you."

9) "Cool, can you take a look at my Law and Order:Special Victims Unit spec script and tell me if it's stupid enough?"

10) "I'm sorry, what? I didn't catch what you said the last six months."

Thursday, 26 July 2012

New Film Review!

Is there a director alive that can boast the kind of talent that Weirdo Blatt has shown in the six films he’s made in only six years as a filmmaker? Any discussion of the best films of the last decade has to include Blatt’s 2006 debut I Done Ate Too Many Goshdurned Fancy Chocolates, starring heartthrob Ticket Mackelfish as a would-be rabbit assassin who becomes a rabbit himself, or 2008’s Kachung Kachung Kachung Kachung Kachung, a stop-motion animated film in which a butcher spends 80 minutes angrily impersonating his mother inside a dumpster. I wish I could say that his new film If Anyone Is Entitled to Eat a Block of Cheese During Jury Duty It’s Me, Dad!!! continues this pattern of excellence. Unfortunately, it represents the first serious misstep in Blatt’s filmography. 

The movie chronicles a week in the life of Stan Uglee, played with far too many loud burps by serial killer turned movie star Craig Stop. Uglee is a forty year old underachiever who helps his parents with their business selling opinionated ducks to cyborg basketball players, a plot detail that is especially confusing since the film is set in 1942. Uglee constantly bemoans his lot in life, when he isn’t grabbing his breasts and honking them loudly, an act that occurs only in what are supposed to be the most moving and dramatic scenes. As one might expect, this entirely undercuts the power of the film, as does the fact that it was filmed in black and white and then colored entirely in purple crayon.

The film’s main flaw, however, lies in the romantic subplot in which Uglee becomes enamored with a neighborhood dog masseuse named Krustee Empress (played by a large birch tree smeared with lipstick). The scenes between these two would-be lovers manage to be both treacly and incoherent, mainly because the birch tree cannot talk and no voiceover is supplied for it. This is especially damaging to the film’s final scene, a fifteen-minute monologue in which the birch tree presumably tells Uglee something very important about how it feels, although we have no way of knowing what exactly. 

Another major blunder is the film’s score, which is composed entirely of messages that Blatt himself left on his ex-girlfriend’s answering machine in the late nineties, played at a volume that often drowns out the movie’s dialogue. This would be a huge detriment to other films, but the writing here is so putrid the distraction comes as a relief. (Sample exchange: “I gots snot runnin’ down to my toes.” “THAT AIN’T NO REASON NOT TO GO TO COLLEGE!!!!”.) The only bright spot in this dismal cinematic affair is the closing credits, which, instead of being projected onscreen, are screamed in the face of each audience member by a professional Tom Waits impersonator with whiskey breath.

Ultimately, while this is an ambitious work, it also made me angry and a little stupid. In ranking this movie using my trademark 10-crotch rating system, I give it 5 and a half pelvis pennies out of 8 ¾ disco thrusts, which is very bad indeed. Me no like this thing! 

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

LISTAREENO: What The Hell?

1) What the hell is going on here?

2) Am I an idiot? Was I the only one who didn't see this coming?

3) I've been around a few naked rodeos, but I have NEVER seen anything like this.

4) Jesus Christ, this is nuts!

5) I mean, I get the chipmunks with makeup, that's a given.

6) But Alan Alda nude holding pruning shears? What????

7) And man, I do NOT want to see Danny Bonaduce doing THAT with a can of peaches again!

8) I just can't believe this got officially sanctioned by the city of Topeka, especially with all the yak blood!

9) And there's no way I can unsee Peter Mansbridge being so... THOROUGH with a riding crop and four strips of velcro! Ah-yeesh!

10) Although I did like when they groped Tom Cochrane in effigy. It moved me to tears!

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

LISTOLIO: The Ten Best Candidates For The Title Of "Fifth Beatle"

1) Pete Best

2) Stu Sutcliffe

3) Brian Epstein

4) George Martin

5) Jessica Tandy

6) Fred Savage

7) Genesis P. Orridge

8) Young MC

9) Downtown Julie Brown

10) A large dowsing rod in some boring museum somewhere

Monday, 23 July 2012

A Selection of My Finest Poems

Hey gang, I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, and here are the best of the bunch. I'm revealing a lot of myself here, so enjoy the wild, rocky ride that is me.


Society? Uh, no thanks!

What's that, society? You want me to fit into one of your comfortable little "labels"? Uh, gee, let me think about it... uh, NO THANKS!

Pardon? You'd like me to subscribe to your tiny little definition of success and happiness? You want me to kill myself running around in your little ratrace trying to claw out my own little piece of cheese? Well, gee, I'll need to think about this... uh, NOPE!!!!!

Uh, I'm sorry, did I hear correctly? Did you want me to become a foot soldier in your corporate army? Well, how much does it pay? Benefits? Huh, not bad. Vacation? Two weeks paid a year? Whoa. Well, what the hell. I'll, uh, I'll find a way to make it work for me. Yep, this'll work out... wait, what? I failed the proficiency test? I don't have the job after all? Well, um... my plan worked! My plan to waste my own time without inconveniencing you at all has worked like gangbusters!!!! I'm not gonna plant my independent lips on your corporate earlobe! NO THANKS, SOCIETY!!!!

The Crane Reclines

The crane stretches from stem to stern.

In a totally awesome fashion, it starts smoking a cigarette in a New Jersey diner like it don't care or nothin'.

But it totally does care, because it just separated from its crane partner and is feeling blue.

Won't someone take this crane out on the town and maybe make out with it a little? Maybe make it pancakes in the morning? Just a thought.

The crane finishes its orange juice and pays the check. It then flies away and runs straight into an aircraft carrier. Look at what you did to the crane!

Special Sauce

I have a special sauce. It is very special, that's right! What is it made of, you ask? Oh, what a question! It is composed of equal parts:

Tears- the tears of a clown that no one understands, who just wants to be loved. A clown named ME.

Additional tears- these are different from the previous tears because they're the angry kind. The angry, sad clown. So angry. So sad. A little sleepy. Could go for some tacquitos or something.

Confusion- Where to go? Where to turn? Why am I so alone? Why aren't the beef tacquitos at 7-11 ready yet? Why don't they have them on constant rotation? Did no one think of this? I'm so confused!

Butter- to taste.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

LISTALINO: Great Blues Guitarists

1) Stevie Ray Vaughn

2) Bobby Lee Bigger

3) Shitty Bob Boomer

4) Droopy Don Dongdaloo

5) Silly Shawn Johnron

6) Eddie "I'll Get The Money To You On Thursday I Swear" Jackson

7) Vera "Mm It is Hot Today I Think I'll Get A Slurpee" Dupree

8) Jackie "Sudoku Queen" Lachine

9) Joey "I Lost All My Spoons In Strange Areas" Carias

10) Guy With a Ponytail and Bolo Tie Whose Name I Forget, I Think His Hair Was Slicked Back

Saturday, 21 July 2012

LISTAROONI: Ten Failed 80's Sitcoms

1) Just the Ten of Us In This Poorly Ventilated Warehouse That Is Filling With Carbon Monoxide

2) Let's Kill Our Parents and Flee to Dayton, Ohio

3) The Three Orphaned Children I "Adopted" Are Kept In a Cage So They Won't Escape

4) The Phil Shitt Variety Disaster

5) A Lengthy and Unconvincing Argument In Favor of Reaganomics With No Jokes

6) Carroll O'Connor Plays Atari For a Half-Hour

7) The Guy Who Says "Time to Make the Donuts" In the Dunkin' Donuts Commercial Accidentally Swallows Some Laundry Detergent and Tries to Induce Vomiting

8) Old Ladies Watch Breakdancing While Saying Things Like "Gosh, I Just Don't Know"

9) Babies Wearing Headbands Falling Headfirst Into Vats of Chicken Gravy

10) An Entire Half Hour of That Shitty Dire Straits "Money For Nothing" Animation

Friday, 20 July 2012

LISTICLE: 10 Things No One Should Say Anymore

1) FTW/For the Win

2) Pwned/Noob

3) Totes

4) Dumbass

5) Rad

6) Stop Creamin' My Corn!

7) Ah I'm A Fwee Yeaw Old Businessman And I'm Too Young to Wun a Company!!!!

8) Stop Fugglin' the Crossbow, I Mean What Are You, Some Kinda Spalding Gray Impersonator???

9) My Daddy Taught Me How to Hate... Steely Dan

10) (Loud, Aggravated Breathing During Your Cousin's Funeral)

Thursday, 19 July 2012

My New Cover Letter!!!!!!

Darren "Sweetpea" Springer
Address: Wherever elderly Shriners write fashion blogs
Phone #: Y'all would not understand!!!

To whom it may concern,

Look, I needs job. I got a lotta hair to support, and without sufficient moneys this stuff is gonna run away from me and hang out on top of a bald man with a Camaro whose kneecaps are supple and moist! This would be DEVASTATING and would affect many facets of life as we know it, including the Irish economy somehow (I have charts I could show you but I do not understand them). So: hair. There is hairs right on top of my head, which would be helpful for any office job that requires finding nurturing locations for local squirrels to rest or give birth. My hair can also be used to increase or restore office morale, especially on a Monday morning. Employees can be given five-minute windows in which to touch or smell my hair as incentives to work harder and faster. They can also store important office supplies in my supple bushel of flaxen locks, including staplers, paper clips, and unruly clients. In short, hair is helpful and smells nice, which you need in today's fast-paced business thing.

Also, I think my time spent as a high-end "gourmet" dishrag is going to come in pretty handy if you ever have any spills to clean up, or if you just want to scream into me the kind of things you could never say to your emotionally distant stranger of a spouse! I can be used on virtually any surface, and I can be wrung out simply by throwing me repeatedly against a wall until I dry up on the inside. You can then place me on the sink or in a bucket, which speaks to my versatility and ability to adapt quickly to new challenges and sinks. Put me on your team and you can be sure that I will get wet and covered in food particles, just like the time I spent as a student teacher!

Finally, my main selling point is definitely the fact that if you leave me in a room that is any degree above room temperature, I will overheat and became absolutely scalding to the touch. This is because the fan that was installed inside me at the factory does not function as it should; I have allowed too much Cheeto dust and motor oil to build up and impede its revolutions. In any case, be sure not to place me against your knees or upper thighs, or else your entire lower half will begin to look and talk like Wilford Brimley. This is important in any job these days because hard work.

I think I will be a real asset to your company you idiot. Shut up.

Mr. Cool

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

LISTICLE: Jobs That Don't Exist Anymore in This Economy

1) Dandruff Conversationalist

2) Speed Demon Trainer

3) Professional Roue

4) Jacob Two-Two

5) Hooded Fang

6) Microphone Fiend

7) Low-Hanging Fruit

8) Absolute Goddamn Ridiculous Idiot Boy

9) Celebrity Head Soaker

10) Film Critic

Monday, 16 July 2012

My New TV Show!!!!

Big news, gang: I've written a television pilot that I'm currently shopping around to all of the major networks, including CBC, CTV and Global, as well as some smaller "niche" channels such as Home and Garden Television and Bank Security Camera Footage of Your Cousin Telling a Boring Story About Hooking Up at Burning Man. It's a corker!!! Why don't I give you a little outline of this gem, huh?

The name of the show is The Czech Is In the Male. It stars Paulina Porizkova and Reginald VelJohnson  of Family Matters fame. Mr. VelJohnson plays a Milwaukee postal worker with a heart of gold and an elbow of gold and several other body parts made of a very itchy synthetic microfibre. Ms. Porizkova, meanwhile, plays a Polish homicide detective who, just before she can arrest Krakow's most notorious serial killer, has a curse placed on her by the killer that shrinks her to the size of a kernel of corn. She manages to wander into a nearby butcher shop and find refuge inside a Polish sausage that is eventually shipped to America. The sausage finds its way onto the plate, and into the stomach, of... you guessed it... Don Henley. Oops, sorry, I mean Reginald VelJohnson. (I was thinking of Don Henley because he plays Joe Walsh in the second episode... I hope!)

Ms. Porizkova soon discovers that she can communicate with Mr. VelJohnson by screaming into his small intestine, through which the sound carries into his ear canal. Ms. Porizkova eventually convinces Mr. VelJohnson to fly to Krakow and track down the serial killer in question, and after many hilarious depictions of a Polish/American culture clash (for instance, Mr. VelJohnson tips 15% in a Polish restaurant, while Polish custom typically demands that the customer cut off their tongue), VelJohnson and Porizkova track down the killer and bring him to justice. At the end of the pilot, Porizkova decides to stay inside VelJohnson and help him solve murders back in Milwaukee.

The rest of the series, as I've imagined it, will have plenty of special "event" episodes. Certainly, there will be at least one episode where the two will change places, with Reginald VelJohnson going inside Paulina Porizkova's stomach. Also, I think one of the episodes will just be an hour of me sitting outside a Toys R' Us drinking whiskey from a flask and asking myself why I thought this was a good idea for a show. I also see plenty of merchandising opportunities for this series, including lunch boxes, birth certificates, hypodermic needles, and an accountant in Topeka, Kansas whose bitter divorce we plan on sponsoring. Anyway, look forward to watching us next fall, unless I decide to push my other pilot, Detective Fancy Man Forgot to Wear Pants So Now He's Getting Kicked Out of the Swiss Chalet.

Sunday, 15 July 2012

LISTICLE: Ten Unsung 70's Soft-Rock Hits

1) "Baby Girl, I Want My Moustache Back, Or Else I'll Look Like An Idiot In My Class-1 Trucker's License Photo"

2) "Hey, Sorry to Bother You, But Did You Get a Chance To Think About Making It With Me At Some Point? No? Cool, No Hurry. Actually, While I'm Here, I Might As Well Get Two Glazed, One Boston Cream, and One Bear Claw"

3) "Probably Gonna Hit That Highway and Head On Up the Coast. Oh, Who Am I Kidding? I'm An Agoraphobe And I Totalled My Mom's Maroon Olds Last Week. Ooh, Rockford Files Is On Tonight!"

4) "A Horse With No Name, A Goldfish With Three Names, A Cat That Has a Hyphenated Last Name Because She Took Her Husband's Name But Kept Her Own, A Cow With a Nickname, And A Rabbit With Only One Name. I Think That's Just About Everyone Who's RSVP'ed To The Wedding So Far"

5) "Plaintive, Limp Folk-Mewling To Play In The Background After Your Key Party As You Desperately And Tearfully Climb On Top Of Your Neighbor's Wife"

6) "The Smooth, Languid Sound of Someone Shrugging As The Ideals of the 60's Die A Pitiful Gasping Death In A Suburban Supermarket"

7) "I Wanna Be With You Girl, And I Want You To Think I'm Sensitive Because Of This Chin Beard, But I Still Pretty Much Want To Control You And I'll Get Super Upset If You Point That Out, Is That Cool?"

8) "A List of California State Highways I've Never Seen, And Some of Which Don't Actually Exist"

9) "Just Slow It Down, Relax, and Go To Sleep, Because We're All Screwed Anyway So What Difference Can You Make?"

10) "The Last Thing You'll Hear Before Drowning In Your Waterbed After Falling Asleep With a Lit Cigarette"

Saturday, 14 July 2012

LISTICLE: My Ten Favorite Teachers and What They Taught Me

1) Mr. Debosie, Grade 2 Social Studies ("The meat of your thighs makes for top-notch sausage")

2) Mrs. Crevecoeur, Grade 4 English ("When the fat of the land cannot sustain thee, consumption of the depraved is a consecrated act")

3) Ms. Finikey, Grade 5 Art ("The true artist never stops short of aesthetically murdering his subject")

4) Mr. Jenkins, Grade 6 French ("The void howls at you. Cast off your bourgeois morality and be swallowed by the abyss!")

5) Mr. Borwang, Grade 7 Gym ("Feel the necks of the weak beneath your boot heel. Grind it in harder. Feel their life essence seep out, giving in to your iron will")

6) Mrs. Alanson, Grade 8 Science ("The universe is cruel and unrelentingly brutal. Destroy it before it destroys you")

7) Mr. Eilie, Grade 9 Math ("Oh the pain, oh the pain, oh the pain, oh the pain, oh the pain MAKE IT STOP")

8) Mr. Persnicket, Grade 10 Homeroom ("Life is like Vietnam: in order to make it out alive, one must carry a Bowie knife and be ready to use it")

9) Mrs. Nailon, Grade 11 Home Ec. ("If your cupcakes taste too much like almonds, then the arsenic will never work")

10) Mr. Jonat, Grade 12 Business ("Money is like friendship: if you want to get it, your britches gotta get a little bloodsoaked")

Friday, 13 July 2012

LISTICLE: People Outside the Gender Binary of Note

1) Slink Ashton, lead singer of the gutter-punk combo Night Shit

2) Crag Magnanagnum, the only survivor of Wienerschnitzel '87

3) Alan Arson, the lead singer of a generic punk band from a John Hughes movie called The Flaming Snots or whatever

4) Microphone Elliott, who first uttered the sentence "If you remember the 60's you weren't there", then immediately wished they hadn't because ugh

5) Kegger Freethru, still trying to use a catcher's mitt as an aphrodisiac

6) Stick Boog, who walked into the WRONG hotel banquet room and is now covered in mucus

7) Famous rapper MC Kinda Creeped Out By Their New College Roommate Who Keeps Pictures of Amish Women in a Shoebox

8) Sashay Elton, waiting for you outside the Value Village change room while you try on track pants and yelling "It's not you, track pants are made smaller these days"

9) Jafe Worthyfox, not exactly crazy about how close their name is to Jeff Foxworthy, although it gets them free chicken-fried steak at all Bonanza Family Restaurants

10) King Loofa, pioneer in the subgenre "bath-dub"

Thursday, 12 July 2012

My Summer Vacation... So Far!!!!

Gang, what a fun time I have had on my summer vacation! I don't have much money, so I had to put the old kibosh on my original plans to hit up Cabo or Tahiti. Instead, I've set up shop in the very small backyard of my parole officer Judd Plessis. I have stretched eight tropical-themed beach towels across his clothesline, however, so the effect is much the same. Also, Mr. Plessis has stipulated that I am only to remain in his yard provided that I do not steal any Tang from his shed mini-fridge, and that I do not address his daughter Juniper except to ask for more tensor bandages for the coyote bite on my left shin. (Oh, King Crimson, you naughty scamp! No more beef bouillon for you for a while! It makes you ravenous for more meat!) Anyway, here's what I've been up to so far!

June 13

On this day I spent much of my day lying on my side in a hammock reading The Economist bemoaning the current state of the global economy, which is another way of saying that I scanned lazily through some special religious Archie comics from the 70's I found underneath some jerrycans in the shed while eating Pop Rocks and chocolate milk. I remember Jughead asking me if I'd let His light into my life, and I did not know how to respond.

June 25

I swung angrily at a bee that had entered my parole officer's tomato garden. I yelled at it for several minutes, trying to get it to atone for the vile deeds it had committed. Then I realized that it was Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger who had willfully prolonged the war in Vietnam, not a random bee. Then I realized I was nude and had a bad sunburn on my upper left buttock. Then I realized I had entered a state of psychosis. On this issue, Jughead was silent.

July 5

On this day I boarded a cruise ship and had the time of my life! The ship was called the SS John Larroquette and it set sail for the steamy climes of Morocco! I had many romantic misadventures after embarking! I had a torrid affair with a Spanish princess named Lady Lavender who rocked my world on the starboard bow! Her husband Prince Javier found out about her affair from the Lady's treacherous servant Alvino, and challenged me to a duel. INTRIGUE! I won the duel by shooting him with lasers from my eyes and sprinkling his ashes on a delightful slice of poundcake. It was only later that I realized that the boat in question was actually an abandoned, rusted trailer and the prince and princess were two escaped convicts who weren't in a position to turn down a little roleplay. Not sure where I got the poundcake. On this issue, Jughead was silent.

July 12

I am writing this from a hospital bed after suffering severe heat stroke. Beats the heat, that's for sure! At least I think it does. On this issue Jughead is silent.

Have a good summer everyone!
Boz Scaggs

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

LISTICLE: 10 Classic Albums and Their Original Titles

1) Devo, Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo (Q: Is the Name of Our Band Devo? A: I Guess So)

2) John Coltrane, A Love Supreme (Fart Patrol)

3) The Doors, L.A. Woman (Boozy and Overrated Part Umpteenth)

4) The Beatles, Rubber Soul (Rubber Boobs)

5) Public Enemy, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (It Takes a Rowdy Five Year Old With a Bike Chain to Hold Us Back)

6) Joni Mitchell, Blue (What Are Your, Like, Absolute Favorite Rodney Dangerfield Jokes? I Like the One About His Wife Calling From the Motel Room!!!!! LOLZ!!!)

7) The Rolling Stones, Let It Bleed (Thanks, Santa! I Swear I Won't Tell Anyone About That Weird Rash On Your Thigh!)

8) Bob Dylan, Bringing It All Back Home (Chocolate Starfish and the Hot-Dog-Flavored Water)

9) Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin III (Bobby McFerrin 1,000,000)

10) Stevie Wonder, Songs in the Key of Life (I Don't Know, It's Like, I'm SPIRITUAL, But I'm Not, Like, RELIGIOUS, Y'Know?)

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

LISTICLE: The Last Ten Names Available for Race Horses

1) Bitter Rejection

2) Saucy Little Pizza

3) Puddle of Memories

4) Hair Metal Throwback

5) When One Puts On One's Jodhpurs, One Doesn't Expect to Contract Syphilis!

6) I Specifically Requested Gold Bond Powder! (Storms Out of the Banquet)

7) I'm the Sexiest Person In My Retirement Home, But I Still Don't Get No Valentines

8) Hey, I Finally Get Your Joke About Peter Jennings!

9) 8 Year Old With a Farmer's Tan

10) Seminar on Scalp Dryness

Monday, 9 July 2012

Def Leppard Fan Letter, 1989

Big news, gang! I recently discovered a floppy disc containing a fan letter I wrote to Def Leppard when I was a mere 8 years old. They were my favorite band at the time, their impeccably soulless, balls-several-meters-from-the-wall anthems perfectly capturing an age in which young activists took to the streets demanding cookies and cereal be combined in one box. Anyway, enjoy!

Dear Def Leppard,
You are my favorite band in the world. I very much appreciate the fact that your music is less threatening than Poison, but edgier than a teddy bear coated in lemon meringue. With that in mind, I have written two songs for your consideration, inspired as I am by your wealth and your insistence on existing. Enclosed is a demo tape I made on my uncle’s 8-track, which I borrowed while he was in prison for impersonating, and later slapping, a police officer. Here are explanations for both tracks.

Frost My Corn Muffins Norma
I have recently realized that your band makes extensive use of sexual innuendo, where you say things that aren’t sex but then secretly it means sex. This is a song that is definitely that. In this number the narrator, a “baker”, which is code for a man’s spaghetti doodle, is preparing a batch of “corn muffins”, which is code for a woman person’s garden gate. The “baker” is excited because the “corn muffins” are for a special “banquet”, which is code for tickling a mailman’s nipples with a feather. On the day of the “banquet”, the “baker” discovers that the “corn muffins” have been ruined because someone has put “frosting” on them, which is code for the kinds of pajamas with the trap door in front. Ultimately, the “baker” says “Aw stuff it” to the whole thing and kisses “Norma” on the cheek, “Norma” being code for “Australian soup picnic”. I HOPE YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS TOO RAUNCHY!!!!

Why Is Everyone Rocking?
This song is about a man in the year 2185 who is trying to write a book about the history of rock and roll. While doing research, he stumbles upon the name “Def Leppard” in an old dusty book in the library at Harvard University. He consults a rock historian with a long white beard, who warns him not to investigate further lest a terrible fate befall him. But the guy, who looks like Pierce Brosnan (I mention this several times throughout the song) doesn’t care and pushes on. It turns out that “Def Leppard” was a band in the late 20th century that resisted the great alien takeover of 1998 that aimed to put “frosting” on everyone’s “corn muffins” (LIKE IN THE OTHER SONG!!!!!!!!). They were executed for their troubles and everyone was forbidden from speaking their name. The Pierce Brosnan guy leads a mass revolt where thousands of people say the name DEF LEPPARD in the streets, leading to everyone’s corn muffins being defrosted, and then he and a woman named Miss Poodle lick each other’s hair for a good long while.

I hope you enjoy these songs. Keep in mind that if you do not record them and compensate me for my efforts, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. (In my heart! Tee hee!) You will notice that all of these songs are written specifically for banjo and mouth harp, and make repeated reference to the name “Johnny Sex”, always for no reason. Do not edit this out.

Your biggest fan,

Sunday, 8 July 2012

LISTICLE: Ten Unpopular 80's Boy Bands

1) Velvet Failure

2) Sensual Mistake

3) 4 Thick Dudes Just Makin' It Work, You Know?

4) I Don't Know, I Mean, the Way I See It, We Have GOT to Fuck

5) Right Direction. Wait... Is It? Did You Turn Left or Right on Thompson? Oh, Brilliant, It's the WRONG Direction. Un-fucking-believable.

6) Pow Pow Pow, Pachoo Pachoo Pachoo, You're All Dead From LOVE

7) Old Men in the Basement

8) 2 Dumb 2 Put Up a 10nt

9) Specific Onesie

10) Chainsaw Shaun and the Stump Lads

Saturday, 7 July 2012

LISTICLE: The Ten Most Despised Baseball Players of All Time

1) Bubs Gregory (pitcher, New York Mets), who would often interrupt fun conversations at parties to quiz strangers on their political beliefs

2) Studs Boise (catcher, Los Angeles Dodgers), who would throw potlucks at his house and get annoyed with people who didn't bring anything homemade

3) Pip Stockwell (left fielder, Anaheim Angels), who would see people quietly leaving a party and shout at them "Hey, you takin' off?", and then they have to make a big deal out of leaving even though they clearly didn't want to

4) Tigger Jones (first baseman, Boston Red Sox), who would make a point of coming up to people at a party and starting a conversation, then forcing them to do most of the talking

5) Bugsy Kelvin (shortstop, Chicago Cubs), who would constantly look away from people while talking to them at a party and scan the crowd, as if searching for someone more interesting, making the person they're talking to feel like an asshole

6) Jugs Bingle (second baseman, Detroit Tigers), who would just walk away from someone at a party without being polite enough to make up an excuse like "I need to go to the bathroom" or "I need another drink", I mean Jesus fucking Christ it's the least you could do

7) Rigger Booth (center fielder, Philadelphia Phillies), who would always take games of Pictionary or Trivial Pursuit at parties WAY TOO SERIOUSLY and it's like hey moron COMPETITION MEANS NOTHING WHEN THERE IS NOTHING AT STAKE

8) Utey Bagoots (designated hitter, Milwaukee Brewers), who was once heard telling a woman at a party "You seem very... GENUINE, you know?" and was then heard to describe whatever year it was as "The Year of the Woman", and then got very cold when the woman mentioned her boyfriend

9) Hunk Nilon (right fielder, San Francisco Giants), who was often the only person at the party who wanted it to go past two o'clock, and still wouldn't leave until four, and even though he clearly wanted people to think "What a party animal!" they just thought "That is a sad man"

10) Jib Anson (third baseman, Houston Astros), who would show up at a party and not talk and stare sadly at everyone and it's like YOU DON'T NEED TO COME TO A PARTY IF YOU'RE NOT IN A GOOD MOOD PEOPLE UNDERSTAND TAKE THE REINS OF YOUR LIFE AND JUST DO YOU MAN JUST DO YOU

Friday, 6 July 2012

LISTICLE: Lesser-Known Oscar Wilde Quotes

1) "Either that wallpaper dies of cerebral meningitis, or I do."

2) "Which one o' y'all stole mah pie pants?"

3) "Num num num num num AH LOVE CHOCOMUT BARS!"

4) "Let me just open this here closet AH A BOWLIN' BALL DONE FALL ON MUH HEAD!"

5) "A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies, which is why my only enemy is professional wrestling legend Rick Flair."

6) "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it, but it is true if someone who is not a man dies for it. Is the pizza here yet?"

7) "All art is quite useless, unless it is covered in white chocolate and shaped like boobs."

8) "I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works. I also put my thumbtacks in this little container shaped like a frog. Wait, you're not leaving already, are you?"

9) "Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes, and Mr. Smelly is simply the name I give the raccoon under the stairs."

10) "I have nothing to declare except my genius. I realize, mister customs agent, that that's not what you meant by 'declare', but I guess I decided to be a dick about it for the sake of a clever aphorism. Wow, I really overexplained that. You're going to keep me here for a while out of spite now, aren't you? You know what, fair enough."

Thursday, 5 July 2012

My Great-Grandmother's Prized Recipes!

Guys, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but my great-grandmother Bugsalona “Bugsy” Vedrovarover was a famous chef in Norway in the first half of the second quarter of the 20th century. She received awards and acclaim from many corners of Norwegian society, and once hospitalized King Nabob of Denmark with her famed Five Alarm Chocolate Pudding. Herewith are some of her most notorious recipes, all made with simple ingredients!

Heat your self-esteem to “boiling” and then eat five pairs of rubber boots. Your sense of self-worth will serve as a cauldron that will melt the rubber and the hearts of any nearby Peruvian poet-sheepherders. Once the rubber becomes thoroughly liquefied, open your mouth and think the thoughts of the ancient childnappers of old, who would grab little children and bake them into urinal cakes. The rubber will come pouring out fast and furious. Then get a chicken from an executioner pure of heart and throw it into the melted rubber. Voila! Be careful eating it, though, because it seems like it could kill you.

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. First, sit your 90 year old grandmother down on the chesterfield and explain to her that she and others of her generation have outlived their usefulness on our planet, and that soon they will be transported via rocket to the side of the moon we can’t see. This will certainly come as a shock, so be sensitive and answer in full any questions she might have. After cycling through the emotions of anger and grief, she’ll settle on acceptance. At the very moment this occurs, set your vacuum to high power and use it to suck up her emotions through her ears. Then throw those emotions, which will have changed into powdered form, into a bowl of refried beans and put it on a tortilla. If it burns your lips horribly, that means it’s working (i.e. burning you).

Wake up one morning and realize that there is nothing at the core of your life that gives it any real meaning. Look to the sky for answers from above. Wander past the city’s perimeter to the desert and perform a shamanic ritual involving coyote dances and bloodletting. Remove your skin and wrap yourself in the ineffable epidermis of the universe. Howl yourself asleep, tears streaming like white-water rafters in rivulets down your face. Awake to find yourself in a warehouse in Nevada with drug runners training their pistols at your head. Convince them that the man they seek goes by the name of “Venom” and was last seen in a New Mexico roadhouse bar. Get them to drop you off at the nearest supermarket. Buy a bunch of macaroni and ground beef and tomato sauce and place it inside a casserole dish. Cover the dish in tinfoil and place it directly beside your chakra, which is now boiling hot. The casserole will be ready in 45 minutes. Consume it and transform into a leopard/snake creature that contains entire universes beneath its fingernails.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

LISTICLE: Men of Note

1) Bix Oldenheimer, creator of the world’s first mosquito repellent that also doubles as complete horseshit that doesn’t repel mosquitoes

2) Country singer Plunk Druthers, whose hits include “Drinkin’ and Blinkin’” and “Don’t Just Stand There, Raise My Kids!!!”

3) Unsuccessful drama critic Peters John, who thinks every play he sees would be improved by the presence of a talking horse

4) Amateur golfer Stunt Gaitling, whose supposed sex tape turned out to be a video of him struggling to work an acetylene torch

5) Famed deli worker Gus Poodell, whose work, truth be told, became derivative and labored years ago

6) Underwear magnate Albie Joom, who fell into a volcano full of molten lava after rolling out of bed

7) Underwear magnet Colin Booet, who attracts underwear for some reason

8) Acrobat Evan Kilgore, who sure as hell ain’t gonna trapeze his way outta this pickle

9) Gosh Ian, the world’s foremost ABBA impersonator-impersonator-impersonator historian

10) High school guidance counselor Yule Gaeslick, who remembers just how confusing hormones can be at your age

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

LISTICLE: Women of Note

1)   Famed sexpot Lips Driveshaft the Sexth

2)   Disgraced Finnish Olympic Women’s Hockey goalie and bronze medalist Karrrinen Melannen (stripped of her medal for taking performance-enhancing compliments)

3)   Financial analyst Pulitzer Sage, coiner of the popular phrase “If y’all ain’t sellin’, I ain’t tellin’!”

4)   Acclaimed insult-prop comedian Spank (sample joke: holds up dildo and shouts at audience member “This is what YOU are!”)

5)   Popular sex-folk balladeer Shoana McGarnigle, singer of such songs as “Planet Bang” and “The Earth Died Screaming OH OH OOOOOOOH”

6)   Mall-walker Evelyn Crutch, 92 years young, still as spry and effervescent and racist as ever

7)   15 year old Sunny Walker, recently entered into the Guinness Book of World Records as “Most”

8)   NASCAR enthusiast Rielle McIntosh, owner of the world’s only marble-fudge cannon

9)   Secretary Leanna Price, who has a thing or two to say about this Magnotta weirdo whether you want to hear it or not

10)  Dame Judi Ditch, whose performance art asks the question “What if all of Judi Dench’s movies took place in a ditch?" without really answering it

Monday, 2 July 2012

My Diary Ages 10-13

What fun, gang: my mom recently unearthed a diary I kept from the ages of 10 to 13. This collection of my most profound musings from that period serves as a window into a crucial period of my development into the genius with whom you are all acquainted. Herewith are some entries from this mighty volume!

NOVEMBER 15, 1991
Today I realized the full extent to which the girls in my class are afraid of my raw sexuality and rugged good looks. I can see now that when they chant “Dirty Darren won’t stop starin’” as they pass me in the hall, they are displaying their own fear of my smoldering virility and the impure thoughts it inspires. Also, when they throw dirt and leaves on me, it means they want to watch the Ninja Turtles movie with me while eating candy cigarettes.

AUGUST 22, 1992
Good news: Jeffy Mahaffey, the cretin who has been bullying me lo these past two years, is moving to Saskatchewan! Apparently his egregious oaf of a father was transferred by his company. Triumph! I can only hope that John Macintosh, the father of the boy I’M bullying, stays put for some time!

I watched a man drown today. I saw him bobbing in the Assiniboine as I strolled over the bridge.  As he flailed his arms in desperation, I thought of those lines by the poet Stevie Smith: “I was much further out than you thought/And not waving but drowning.” But I knew just how far out he was, and I knew perfectly well he was drowning. I gazed at him as he eventually sank below the surface, the bubbles from his breathing subsiding, and thought about how sometimes playing God, choosing who lives and dies, might entail simply doing nothing, in exercising one’s will toward stasis rather than violence. Then I went and played Street Fighter and drank cherry milkshakes. Fun!!!

APRIL 8, 1994
Devastated. Today, I and others my age lost our generational spokesman, a man whose raw emotion and plaintive screams articulated our own rage, fear and confusion. To think that someone who I drew so much inspiration from met such a tragic end, in his garage to boot, is deeply unsettling. So many hours have I wiled away in my bedroom, listening to his primordial howls and feeling just a little less alone. He will be sorely missed. So, R.I.P Joe Bixley, the meth dealer who lived next door to me and screamed at his mom a lot and accidentally shot himself while cleaning his rifle! XOXOXOXO

APRIL 9, 1994
Just heard about Kurt Cobain. Shitty.