1) Bix Oldenheimer, creator of the world’s first mosquito
repellent that also doubles as complete horseshit that doesn’t repel mosquitoes
2) Country singer Plunk Druthers, whose hits include “Drinkin’
and Blinkin’” and “Don’t Just Stand There, Raise My Kids!!!”
3) Unsuccessful drama critic Peters John, who thinks every play
he sees would be improved by the presence of a talking horse
4) Amateur golfer Stunt Gaitling, whose supposed sex tape
turned out to be a video of him struggling to work an acetylene torch
5) Famed deli worker Gus Poodell, whose work, truth be told,
became derivative and labored years ago
6) Underwear magnate Albie Joom, who fell into a volcano full
of molten lava after rolling out of bed
7) Underwear magnet Colin Booet, who attracts underwear for
some reason
8) Acrobat Evan Kilgore, who sure as hell ain’t gonna trapeze
his way outta this pickle
9) Gosh Ian, the world’s foremost ABBA
impersonator-impersonator-impersonator historian
10) High school guidance counselor Yule Gaeslick, who remembers
just how confusing hormones can be at your age
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