Gang, what a fun time I have had on my summer vacation! I don't have much money, so I had to put the old kibosh on my original plans to hit up Cabo or Tahiti. Instead, I've set up shop in the very small backyard of my parole officer Judd Plessis. I have stretched eight tropical-themed beach towels across his clothesline, however, so the effect is much the same. Also, Mr. Plessis has stipulated that I am only to remain in his yard provided that I do not steal any Tang from his shed mini-fridge, and that I do not address his daughter Juniper except to ask for more tensor bandages for the coyote bite on my left shin. (Oh, King Crimson, you naughty scamp! No more beef bouillon for you for a while! It makes you ravenous for more meat!) Anyway, here's what I've been up to so far!
June 13
On this day I spent much of my day lying on my side in a hammock reading The Economist bemoaning the current state of the global economy, which is another way of saying that I scanned lazily through some special religious Archie comics from the 70's I found underneath some jerrycans in the shed while eating Pop Rocks and chocolate milk. I remember Jughead asking me if I'd let His light into my life, and I did not know how to respond.
June 25
I swung angrily at a bee that had entered my parole officer's tomato garden. I yelled at it for several minutes, trying to get it to atone for the vile deeds it had committed. Then I realized that it was Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger who had willfully prolonged the war in Vietnam, not a random bee. Then I realized I was nude and had a bad sunburn on my upper left buttock. Then I realized I had entered a state of psychosis. On this issue, Jughead was silent.
July 5
On this day I boarded a cruise ship and had the time of my life! The ship was called the SS John Larroquette and it set sail for the steamy climes of Morocco! I had many romantic misadventures after embarking! I had a torrid affair with a Spanish princess named Lady Lavender who rocked my world on the starboard bow! Her husband Prince Javier found out about her affair from the Lady's treacherous servant Alvino, and challenged me to a duel. INTRIGUE! I won the duel by shooting him with lasers from my eyes and sprinkling his ashes on a delightful slice of poundcake. It was only later that I realized that the boat in question was actually an abandoned, rusted trailer and the prince and princess were two escaped convicts who weren't in a position to turn down a little roleplay. Not sure where I got the poundcake. On this issue, Jughead was silent.
July 12
I am writing this from a hospital bed after suffering severe heat stroke. Beats the heat, that's for sure! At least I think it does. On this issue Jughead is silent.
Have a good summer everyone!
Boz Scaggs
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