Friday, 29 June 2012

Top Ten Unsung Christopher Plummer Roles

1)   Scuff DcCoy, Unlicensed Sex Bomb (Fedoras of Fire, 1949)

2)   Carlton Critch, Cake Lawyer (Nice to Meetcha Mr. Shotgun, 1956)

3)   Pope of Snacktime (We Must Destroy the Pope of Snacktime, 1964)

4)   Sarcastic Surf Dude (Sure, THAT’LL Fit Over My ‘Fun Area’, 1968)

5)   Mudyard Kipling (Barf ‘Til Toledo, 1973)

6)   Frosty Hairpile (Frosty Hairpile Saves, Then Changes His Mind and Destroys, Christmas, 1977)

7)   De-Crotching Specialist #87 (Crotches: How Real Is The Threat?, government filmstrip, 1983)

8)   Guy Who Looooooooooves Ska-Punk (After All, Who DOESN’T Love Ska-Punk?, 1989)

9)   Younger Christopher Plummer (Older Christopher Plummer, 1995)

10) Screech (Saved By the Bell TV series, 1989-1993)

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Four Sexy Pranks to Drive Your Lover Wild!

Is your relationship getting a little stale? Is your bedroom more of a “bored” room, because it’s become boring and as a result you and your lover are “bored”? Experts say the best way to reignite the passion in your affair is to carry out a series of mildly humiliating tricks on your partner as a way of shaming them into becoming aroused. Here are four devilish ways to turn your significant other into a significant lover!

1)     The old “gluing a penny to the floor” trick is a favorite of ours! Watch your partner struggle, confused and angry, to retrieve the coin while you laugh maniacally at them through a bullhorn. They’ll get so sweaty and enraged that they’ll roll right under the sheets with you for a bout of desperate, tearful grinding fueled more by mutual resentment than love! Hubba hubba!

2)     This one’s a real corker. Ask your sweetheart to go to the supermarket to pick up some groceries, then give them a list of nonexistent items, like walrus nuggets, salt-free sodium, and tongue juice. If they’re a complete moron, they’ll have quite the search ahead of them! When they get home angry and hurt after having numerous cashiers laugh in their face, have a screaming fight about how neither of you is the person the other fell in love with. Then perform oral sex on each other while dreaming idly about being really and truly free. You’re welcome! :)

3)     Before your partner leaves for work in the morning, slip a “HUG ME” sign on their back. Then stare straight out the window of your apartment for eight hours, wondering why you haven’t been employed for eight months or why you can’t bear to talk to your parents anymore because you’re convinced they’re ashamed of you even though they love you more than you’d think possible. Then, when your partner gets home, listen to their entertaining tales of being hugged by strangers and feeling more warmth and intimacy than they’ve ever shared with you! Afterwards, your partner will be in the mood to get hot and heavy, but you won’t because you’ll still feel empty and numb inside! Va-va-voom!

4)      Finally, here’s a surefire way to inject some sure fire into your relationship! Open a door just a crack and place a pillow at the top of it. When your honey walks into the room, the pillow will fall right on their head! Make sure to stand and laugh at them for a lot longer than seems necessary! They’ll begin to weep, seeing the pillow incident as a metaphor for the power dynamic in your relationship and your dominant role within it. Pretend to comfort them for about a half-hour, all the while subtly asserting your authority over them. Then, when they stop crying, do something kinky with gardening gloves or a pair of barbecue tongs!

There you have it. Remember: the right prank lets your lover know loud and clear “I could’ve done something kind or thoughtful to put you in the mood, but instead I aggravated you into a round of hate-fucking!”

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

LISTICLE: Ten Names for Stand-Up Albums

Yelling Until Confused

Bathed in Desire

Chagrined? You Bet!

Angryface Falls Off the Stage

Anyone Here From Out of Body?

I Suck? No, You Suck! No, We Suck!

Lighten Up, I’m Just a Joke!

When You Flex Into the Abyss, the Abyss Will Flex Back at You

You Can’t Spell “Diet” Without “Die”, Or “Iet”, the Hungarian God of Turkey Bacon

Have You Seen This Shit???!!!!

Guys, Let’s Be a Little More Thoughtful About Our Descriptions of Porn

Puns De Leon (only applicable to pun comedians named Leon)

Monday, 25 June 2012

Observational Comedy!!!

Hey guys, I'm very excited about this. I've decided to take my humor in a different direction by focusing on the mundane foibles and buffooneries of everyday life! I'm sure anyone reading this can find something to relate to in my observations here, so sit back and strap yourselves in with your chuckle buckles, 'cause here come some quirky takes on this wacky circus we call life!

Why are there straws? Why can’t people bring a cup up to their mouths? Do their hands not work? What, are they part of some secret society of handless aliens? Why are there handless aliens? Nice work, Madison Avenue!!!

Why are there forks? Like it’s SO hard to pick up potatoes with your hands! Just wear your government-issued tater mitts! And if you ever have to eat foods that aren’t potatoes, like chicken or beef, just fashion your own “protein pads” out of bale twine and a burlap sack! I mean, am I the crazy one here???!!

Why do cars exist? Where are we going to in such a hurry? A wedding? Is it a wedding? Why wasn’t I invited to this wedding? Is there chicken kiev? There is? You know how much I love chicken kiev! I have a huge picture of a piece of chicken kiev plastered on my car! I call my car the “Kiev Sport”! It’s one of many reasons my parents disowned me! And don’t get me started on female drivers! Yeesh! None of them appreciate the sight of my naked body when I streak in front of the screen at the drive-in!

Why is there always that one cart at the supermarket with the messed-up wheel? Why are there supermarkets? Why don’t we move to the country and grow our own food and cart it around in wheelbarrows? Why is there always that one wheelbarrow with the messed-up wheel?

Why are there so many kinds of donuts now? Why can’t I just go into a bakery and order a plain old donut? And why can’t I convince my ultra-strict military father that I deserve his respect?

Why is it that men just want silence, but women want to talk to you and know things about you and remind you that we are not zombies and that we should connect with each other during our short time on this earth? And why with all the shoes?

Why are certain celebrities weird? What would certain famous people be like if they were placed in situations you wouldn’t normally find them in? Like what if Justin Timberlake lived in a puddle of ooze outside a crystal cave, just like you and I do?  What is this question a distraction from? A loveless marriage? Estranged kids? Nicki Minaj and my parole officer are both rather eccentric, huh?

What’s with these homeless people? Why are they vulnerable and unfortunate? Why isn’t my position on the social ladder more secure? Why is it possible that I could be homeless if I lost my job? Why did I lose my job? Why was my company downsizing? What’s the deal with my fellow homeless people? It’s like, get away from my refrigerator crate!

Thursday, 21 June 2012

My Wikipedia Page

Darren Springer (Born a split second after God created the wind in an orgasmic trance) is a renowned raconteur, auteur, flaneur, flambeur, entrepeneur, and patio furniture salesman. He has often been acclaimed, and on two occasions has been heralded, but, contrary to popular belief, has never been applauded.

Early Life
Born inside a mysterious membrane filled with ectoplasm and jelly on the edge of the New Mexico desert, Darren was discovered by a band of syphilitic prison wardens who had set up a commune called The Brotherhood of the Vomitous Falcons. They schooled Darren thoroughly in the arts of sabotage, thigh whipping, the post-genital arts, and “pre-antiquity ovarian baking”.

In 1982 Darren began his career as a member of the East St. Louis Hooded Fangs, who terrorized the city fondling phallic produce and pretending to stumble over misplaced cleaning supplies. Between 1982 and 1989, hundreds of St. Louis residents were slightly annoyed or mildly inconvenienced by their strange yet tolerable exploits. The gang broke up in 1989 when most of them died during a rave held on top of twenty-eight live grenades. In 1991 Springer moved to Calgary and opened The Pepperoni Pen, a combination pizzeria and juvenile detention center. For eight consecutive years, readers of The Calgary Sun awarded The Pepperoni Pen the honors of “Cruelest and Most Inhumane Prison in the Province” and “Best Calzone”. He also owns eight jazzclubs, including the famed Flute and Tassel, and eight ballpoint pens. He has never sold patio furniture, and never will.

Personal Life
He gets around. You know? He gets around. I mean, not a lot, but he’s… he’s been around. He knows the score. He’s had his fair share of it. Never had to chase it either. It comes to him. Well, every now and then. I mean, he often gets afraid and doesn’t know how to go about it. But he usually closes the old deal, gets it done. One time it actually exploded. Even he’s not sure how that happened. He has no pets.

References in Popular Culture
Springer is mentioned in the 1985 breakdancing movie Ow! I Fractured My Spine While Breakdancing! I Should NOT Have Attempted Such a Risky Activity! The character of Eddie “Shitty Legs” Shittaye, played by Laurence Fishburne, mentions Springer 384 times throughout the course of the movie, never in a fitting or relevant context. The film’s other characters respond to each mention of his name by scratching their chins and loudly announcing their confusion.

In a 1995 episode of ER, the character of Jeremiah Chest, a literature professor played by Laurence Fishburne, mentions Springer 384 times throughout the course of the episode. The character of Doug Ross, played by George Clooney, becomes enraged and tries to suffocate Fishburne’s character with a small plush doll of Herb Alpert.

Springer has earned many awards throughout his career, including 87 Golden Brownies, 42 Stay Away Awards from the Society of Student Nurses, and eight Sarcastic Peabody Awards for “excellence” in broadcasting. He once stole a child’s backpack from a schoolbus, which he later bronzed and eventually ate.

Charity Work