Observational Comedy!!!

Hey guys, I'm very excited about this. I've decided to take my humor in a different direction by focusing on the mundane foibles and buffooneries of everyday life! I'm sure anyone reading this can find something to relate to in my observations here, so sit back and strap yourselves in with your chuckle buckles, 'cause here come some quirky takes on this wacky circus we call life!

Why are there straws? Why can’t people bring a cup up to their mouths? Do their hands not work? What, are they part of some secret society of handless aliens? Why are there handless aliens? Nice work, Madison Avenue!!!

Why are there forks? Like it’s SO hard to pick up potatoes with your hands! Just wear your government-issued tater mitts! And if you ever have to eat foods that aren’t potatoes, like chicken or beef, just fashion your own “protein pads” out of bale twine and a burlap sack! I mean, am I the crazy one here???!!

Why do cars exist? Where are we going to in such a hurry? A wedding? Is it a wedding? Why wasn’t I invited to this wedding? Is there chicken kiev? There is? You know how much I love chicken kiev! I have a huge picture of a piece of chicken kiev plastered on my car! I call my car the “Kiev Sport”! It’s one of many reasons my parents disowned me! And don’t get me started on female drivers! Yeesh! None of them appreciate the sight of my naked body when I streak in front of the screen at the drive-in!

Why is there always that one cart at the supermarket with the messed-up wheel? Why are there supermarkets? Why don’t we move to the country and grow our own food and cart it around in wheelbarrows? Why is there always that one wheelbarrow with the messed-up wheel?

Why are there so many kinds of donuts now? Why can’t I just go into a bakery and order a plain old donut? And why can’t I convince my ultra-strict military father that I deserve his respect?

Why is it that men just want silence, but women want to talk to you and know things about you and remind you that we are not zombies and that we should connect with each other during our short time on this earth? And why with all the shoes?

Why are certain celebrities weird? What would certain famous people be like if they were placed in situations you wouldn’t normally find them in? Like what if Justin Timberlake lived in a puddle of ooze outside a crystal cave, just like you and I do?  What is this question a distraction from? A loveless marriage? Estranged kids? Nicki Minaj and my parole officer are both rather eccentric, huh?

What’s with these homeless people? Why are they vulnerable and unfortunate? Why isn’t my position on the social ladder more secure? Why is it possible that I could be homeless if I lost my job? Why did I lose my job? Why was my company downsizing? What’s the deal with my fellow homeless people? It’s like, get away from my refrigerator crate!