Big news, gang! I recently discovered a floppy disc
containing a fan letter I wrote to Def Leppard when I was a mere 8 years old.
They were my favorite band at the time, their impeccably soulless, balls-several-meters-from-the-wall
anthems perfectly capturing an age in which young activists took to the streets
demanding cookies and cereal be combined in one box. Anyway, enjoy!
Dear Def Leppard,
You are my favorite band in the world. I very much
appreciate the fact that your music is less threatening than Poison, but edgier
than a teddy bear coated in lemon meringue. With that in mind, I have written
two songs for your consideration, inspired as I am by your wealth and your
insistence on existing. Enclosed is a demo tape I made on my uncle’s 8-track,
which I borrowed while he was in prison for impersonating, and later slapping,
a police officer. Here are explanations for both tracks.
Frost My Corn Muffins
Norma
I have recently realized that your band makes extensive use
of sexual innuendo, where you say things that aren’t sex but then secretly it
means sex. This is a song that is definitely that. In this number the narrator,
a “baker”, which is code for a man’s spaghetti doodle, is preparing a batch of
“corn muffins”, which is code for a woman person’s garden gate. The “baker” is
excited because the “corn muffins” are for a special “banquet”, which is code
for tickling a mailman’s nipples with a feather. On the day of the “banquet”,
the “baker” discovers that the “corn muffins” have been ruined because someone
has put “frosting” on them, which is code for the kinds of pajamas with the
trap door in front. Ultimately, the “baker” says “Aw stuff it” to the whole
thing and kisses “Norma” on the cheek, “Norma” being code for “Australian soup
picnic”. I HOPE YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS TOO RAUNCHY!!!!
Why Is Everyone
Rocking?
This song is about a man in the year 2185 who is trying to
write a book about the history of rock and roll. While doing research, he
stumbles upon the name “Def Leppard” in an old dusty book in the library at
Harvard University. He consults a rock historian with a long white beard, who
warns him not to investigate further lest a terrible fate befall him. But the
guy, who looks like Pierce Brosnan (I mention this several times throughout the
song) doesn’t care and pushes on. It turns out that “Def Leppard” was a band in
the late 20th century that resisted the great alien takeover of 1998
that aimed to put “frosting” on everyone’s “corn muffins” (LIKE IN THE OTHER
SONG!!!!!!!!). They were executed for their troubles and everyone was forbidden
from speaking their name. The Pierce Brosnan guy leads a mass revolt where
thousands of people say the name DEF LEPPARD in the streets, leading to
everyone’s corn muffins being defrosted, and then he and a woman named Miss
Poodle lick each other’s hair for a good long while.
I hope you enjoy these songs. Keep in mind that if you do
not record them and compensate me for my efforts, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. (In my
heart! Tee hee!) You will notice that all of these songs are written
specifically for banjo and mouth harp, and make repeated reference to the name
“Johnny Sex”, always for no reason. Do not edit this out.
Your biggest fan,
Darren
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