LIST: The Five Ways That Every Comedy Sketch Opens

1) "Sir, you wanted to see me?"

2) "Hi, I'm here for the audition."

3) (Voice-over gracelessly establishes that this is a movie/TV parody)

4) "I'm so glad that Mike set us up on this date. I'm having a lot of fun!"

5) "OK, so you take the donut and dip it in the vaseline. Then you place it right in the mouth of the clown. Really cram it in there. Just ignore the sparks, they're pretty common for a clown this young. Then wrap the clown in masking tape, put it inside a large refrigerator box, and mail him to whatever aunt you hated the least. And then, after about three days, boom, no more chlamydia!"

A Selection of My Finest Poems

Hey gang, I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, and here are the best of the bunch. I'm revealing a lot of myself here, so enjoy the wild, rocky ride that is me.

Society

Society? Uh, no thanks!

What's that, society? You want me to fit into one of your comfortable little "labels"? Uh, gee, let me think about it... uh, NO THANKS!

Pardon? You'd like me to subscribe to your tiny little definition of success and happiness? You want me to kill myself running around in your little ratrace trying to claw out my own little piece of cheese? Well, gee, I'll need to think about this... uh, NOPE!!!!!

Uh, I'm sorry, did I hear correctly? Did you want me to become a foot soldier in your corporate army? Well, how much does it pay? Benefits? Huh, not bad. Vacation? Two weeks paid a year? Whoa. Well, what the hell. I'll, uh, I'll find a way to make it work for me. Yep, this'll work out... wait, what? I failed the proficiency test? I don't have the job after all? Well, um... my plan worked! My plan to waste my own time without inconveniencing you at all has worked like gangbusters!!!! I'm not gonna plant my independent lips on your corporate earlobe! NO THANKS, SOCIETY!!!!


The Crane Reclines


The crane stretches from stem to stern.

In a totally awesome fashion, it starts smoking a cigarette in a New Jersey diner like it don't care or nothin'.

But it totally does care, because it just separated from its crane partner and is feeling blue.

Won't someone take this crane out on the town and maybe make out with it a little? Maybe make it pancakes in the morning? Just a thought.

The crane finishes its orange juice and pays the check. It then flies away and runs straight into an aircraft carrier. Look at what you did to the crane!



Special Sauce

I have a special sauce. It is very special, that's right! What is it made of, you ask? Oh, what a question! It is composed of equal parts:

Tears- the tears of a clown that no one understands, who just wants to be loved. A clown named ME.

Additional tears- these are different from the previous tears because they're the angry kind. The angry, sad clown. So angry. So sad. A little sleepy. Could go for some tacquitos or something.

Confusion- Where to go? Where to turn? Why am I so alone? Why aren't the beef tacquitos at 7-11 ready yet? Why don't they have them on constant rotation? Did no one think of this? I'm so confused!

Butter- to taste.