My Philosophy: A Summation

Always do to others what you would have done to death.

Keep an open mind about living in an open sewer.

The definition of humanity is "a portly otter eating an abandoned tuxedo."

Love is what happens when two souls, wild and passionate and racing against the moon, come together to agree that late-period Springsteen is hopelessly corny.

Dying is easy; kicking a field goal from 90 yards away while you're high on codeine, sleep-deprived and dehydrated is hard.

War is never justified unless it's a long weekend and you don't have to get up early on Monday.

Late capitalism is better than early Steely Dan but far worse than mid-period Mariah Carey.

If you ever lose yourself, put up posters in your neighborhood alerting others of your absence. Perhaps someone has seen you at a bus station or YMCA? You should keep in mind, of course, that you might not want to be found. You might be in Sao Paolo posing as a private detective for free butterscotch sundaes.

Regarding the question of "nature vs. nurture", the answer of course is "fat Elvis".

Religion is not the opiate of the masses, but rather the open-faced sandwich of the masses. It's a turkey sandwich on white bread and the turkey represents theocracy and the bread is doubt and the gravy is the way your minister insisted on patting you on the head during communion. Religion is served with your choice of potato and mixed vegetables.

All people are one. Some people, of course, are definitely two. Jeff Beck and Laurie Metcalf from Roseanne are the only people in the world who are three.

"Hyundai" is a Korean word meaning "piece of shit". Seriously, anyone drive one of these things? They break down so often you'd think they were being interviewed by Barbra Walters. Thank you, I will be here all weekend, try the ribs.

Art is distinguished from entertainment by a willingness to challenge or unsettle. Take, for instance, Un Chien Andalou and House Party 2: one is a bracing, disturbing blast of surrealism, and the other is Un Chien Andalou. Thank you, I will be here all weekend, try the ribs.

Politics is a game. Specifically, it is Sorry, in the sense that you are actively stopping the progress of others and at the end of the game it's like "Hey, look, there are still all the poor people!"

Death is like standup: it is customary to go out on a laugh. Keep the delightful Jim Gaffigan on hand at your deathbed.