Is your relationship getting a little stale? Is your bedroom more of a “bored” room, because it’s become boring and as a result you and your lover are “bored”? Experts say the best way to reignite the passion in your affair is to carry out a series of mildly humiliating tricks on your partner as a way of shaming them into becoming aroused. Here are four devilish ways to turn your significant other into a significant lover!
1) The old “gluing a penny to the floor” trick is a favorite of ours! Watch your partner struggle, confused and angry, to retrieve the coin while you laugh maniacally at them through a bullhorn. They’ll get so sweaty and enraged that they’ll roll right under the sheets with you for a bout of desperate, tearful grinding fueled more by mutual resentment than love! Hubba hubba!
2) This one’s a real corker. Ask your sweetheart to go to the supermarket to pick up some groceries, then give them a list of nonexistent items, like walrus nuggets, salt-free sodium, and tongue juice. If they’re a complete moron, they’ll have quite the search ahead of them! When they get home angry and hurt after having numerous cashiers laugh in their face, have a screaming fight about how neither of you is the person the other fell in love with. Then perform oral sex on each other while dreaming idly about being really and truly free. You’re welcome! :)
3) Before your partner leaves for work in the morning, slip a “HUG ME” sign on their back. Then stare straight out the window of your apartment for eight hours, wondering why you haven’t been employed for eight months or why you can’t bear to talk to your parents anymore because you’re convinced they’re ashamed of you even though they love you more than you’d think possible. Then, when your partner gets home, listen to their entertaining tales of being hugged by strangers and feeling more warmth and intimacy than they’ve ever shared with you! Afterwards, your partner will be in the mood to get hot and heavy, but you won’t because you’ll still feel empty and numb inside! Va-va-voom!
4) Finally, here’s a surefire way to inject some sure fire into your relationship! Open a door just a crack and place a pillow at the top of it. When your honey walks into the room, the pillow will fall right on their head! Make sure to stand and laugh at them for a lot longer than seems necessary! They’ll begin to weep, seeing the pillow incident as a metaphor for the power dynamic in your relationship and your dominant role within it. Pretend to comfort them for about a half-hour, all the while subtly asserting your authority over them. Then, when they stop crying, do something kinky with gardening gloves or a pair of barbecue tongs!
There you have it. Remember: the right prank lets your lover know loud and clear “I could’ve done something kind or thoughtful to put you in the mood, but instead I aggravated you into a round of hate-fucking!”