Darren Springer (Born a split second after God created the wind in an orgasmic trance) is a renowned raconteur, auteur, flaneur, flambeur, entrepeneur, and patio furniture salesman. He has often been acclaimed, and on two occasions has been heralded, but, contrary to popular belief, has never been applauded.
Born inside a mysterious membrane filled with ectoplasm and jelly on the edge of the New Mexico desert, Darren was discovered by a band of syphilitic prison wardens who had set up a commune called The Brotherhood of the Vomitous Falcons. They schooled Darren thoroughly in the arts of sabotage, thigh whipping, the post-genital arts, and “pre-antiquity ovarian baking”.
In 1982 Darren began his career as a member of the East St. Louis Hooded Fangs, who terrorized the city fondling phallic produce and pretending to stumble over misplaced cleaning supplies. Between 1982 and 1989, hundreds of St. Louis residents were slightly annoyed or mildly inconvenienced by their strange yet tolerable exploits. The gang broke up in 1989 when most of them died during a rave held on top of twenty-eight live grenades. In 1991 Springer moved to Calgary and opened The Pepperoni Pen, a combination pizzeria and juvenile detention center. For eight consecutive years, readers of The Calgary Sun awarded The Pepperoni Pen the honors of “Cruelest and Most Inhumane Prison in the Province” and “Best Calzone”. He also owns eight jazzclubs, including the famed Flute and Tassel, and eight ballpoint pens. He has never sold patio furniture, and never will.
He gets around. You know? He gets around. I mean, not a lot, but he’s… he’s been around. He knows the score. He’s had his fair share of it. Never had to chase it either. It comes to him. Well, every now and then. I mean, he often gets afraid and doesn’t know how to go about it. But he usually closes the old deal, gets it done. One time it actually exploded. Even he’s not sure how that happened. He has no pets.
References in Popular Culture
Springer is mentioned in the 1985 breakdancing movie Ow! I Fractured My Spine While Breakdancing! I Should NOT Have Attempted Such a Risky Activity! The character of Eddie “Shitty Legs” Shittaye, played by Laurence Fishburne, mentions Springer 384 times throughout the course of the movie, never in a fitting or relevant context. The film’s other characters respond to each mention of his name by scratching their chins and loudly announcing their confusion.
In a 1995 episode of ER, the character of Jeremiah Chest, a literature professor played by Laurence Fishburne, mentions Springer 384 times throughout the course of the episode. The character of Doug Ross, played by George Clooney, becomes enraged and tries to suffocate Fishburne’s character with a small plush doll of Herb Alpert.
Springer has earned many awards throughout his career, including 87 Golden Brownies, 42 Stay Away Awards from the Society of Student Nurses, and eight Sarcastic Peabody Awards for “excellence” in broadcasting. He once stole a child’s backpack from a schoolbus, which he later bronzed and eventually ate.