Five Cheap Ways to Beat the Heat This Summer

Summer, a period that many argue is the hottest of the four seasons, is now upon us, and unless you are a cyber-humanoid with coolant pumping through its veins, you’re probably looking for easy ways to beat the heat. (If you are a cyber-humanoid, I welcome your eventual full-scale takeover of humanity!) But what’s that you say? You’re on a budget? You weren’t born into a family of tenacious and successful gun-runners like I was? And as a result, you can’t afford an AC unit or the increased utility bills it would generate?  No problem! Here are five ways to keep cool in July and August that won’t hurt your cheque book. (This is assuming that you, as I do, make absolutely every purchase using cheques, regardless of whether it is convenient or even acceptable.   

1)   Buy a Handheld Portable Fan

A handheld portable fan is an affordable and fun way to stay frosty even on the stickiest of days! Prices vary from $4 to $12 dollars if purchased legally. Do keep in mind, however, that these fans are absolutely free if stolen from your neighbor Gary’s house while you’re at one of his dumb barbecues! Hey Gary, I hate you so much, Gary!   

2) Discount Movie Matinees

Who doesn’t love a nice, air-conditioned movie theater on a scorching afternoon? Especially if it’s in a discount theater that screens films near the end of their theatrical run? Probably my awful neighbor Gary, a man devoid of joy or imagination. He certainly would never think of sneaking in his own snacks in a backpack instead of paying exorbitant concession prices. I mean, what a repellent, stink-laden moron!

      3)   Drink Hot Liquids

I know what you’re thinking:  “Hot liquids are supposed to keep me cool? Are you nuts?” Well, first of all, shut up Gary, you don’t know anything. Hot liquids such as tea or coffee will elevate your body’s core temperature, causing you to sweat, and cool down, more rapidly. It figures you wouldn’t know that, Gary—you’re stupid enough to think I don’t know what’s going on between you and my wife!  

            4)  Wear Black Clothing, Not White

“But wait a minute,” you might be saying to yourself, “isn’t white clothing supposed to be more heat-resistant than dark?” Wow, you just don’t know when to shut up, do you Gary? Dark clothing might attract more heat from the sun, but it also absorbs more body heat, unlike white clothing, which reflects it back at you, making you hotter. For more information on the science behind this, please ask my wife the next time you guys are “canoodling,” Gary, you human sewer. (My wife is a scientist. I still love her so much.) 

5) Cooler Full of Ice

Look, I know I haven’t been a great husband. I will admit to that. I could be a better listener, and I’m emotionally withdrawn, and I’m gone often because I don’t like our house and it turns out I don’t like living with someone. But is that any reason to seek the arms of another man? Especially Gary, who is more swamp creature than human being? He’s a failed plumber, Karen! He couldn’t succeed in an industry that‘s virtually recession-free! Karen, if you’re reading this, please come home. I probably won’t be there if you do, because I’m gone a lot, but it’ll be nice to imagine you there. A Coleman cooler will probably set you back about $70 or so. Fill it with ice and it’ll be cold.