It’s Been a While Since I’ve Seen Phoebe Cates in a Movie or My Youngest Son in Real Life

 Remember Phoebe Cates? She played Linda in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? She was Kate in the Gremlins movies? She was kind of big for a while there in the eighties. She was a very talented and attractive lady, even though her career petered out a bit after the first Gremlins. You know, it’s been a really long time since I’ve seen her in a movie. Whatever happened to her? Did she retire from acting? It’s like she just vanished at some point! And since we’re on the subject, you know who else vanished out of thin air? My son, twenty years ago!

I guess that just happens sometimes with people like Phoebe Cates in the movies or my youngest son Trevor in real life. They decide that the grind of auditioning and getting rejected is just too much for them, or they wander away in a crowded mall when my back is turned just for a moment. That’s life, I guess. I wonder how long it’s actually been since Phoebe Cates was in a film. Let me check IMDB here…Wow, she’s only done one movie in the last twenty years, and that movie was fourteen years ago. So basically, she retired from acting in 1994.  That’s so funny-that’s the same year my five year old son Trevor walked away from me in that mall, possibly into the arms of a stranger!

Hmm, it says here that she stopped acting to focus on raising her kids with…Kevin Kline! I didn’t know she was married to Kevin Kline! How about that! Well, I can understand that. I’m sure a lot of people, if they had enough money, would prefer to stop working to spend more time with their families. Not me, though. I’m actually pretty relieved that I don’t see my husband or our other son Adam that often. Trevor’s disappearance pretty much severed whatever bonds had sustained us. My husband and I divorced fifteen years ago, and Adam is twenty-eight now, so he’s in prison. So I just work as much as I can at the community college cafeteria, just like Phoebe Cates works hard at the boutique she owns in New York!

I wonder if sometimes, when she’s cleaning out her attic or basement, she finds a memento from one of her old movies, and starts reminiscing about her old career. I know what that’s like. About six months after Trevor left, I found one of his jump ropes sitting underneath a bush on the edge of our lawn. It was cut in half. I don’t know why. I held it in my hand for a moment. I didn’t feel anything. I was going to keep it in Trevor’s memory, but I ended up throwing it out. It was broken. His case is still open, but the police, to this day, have no leads.

Well, Phoebe Cates, if you happen to be reading this, you’ve still got a fan in me! And Trevor, if you’re still alive and reading this, I hope you still remember me, and you’re not left wondering who your real mother is—not unlike Phoebe Cates as Lili in the TV miniseries Lace!

2014: My Year in Review

WONDERFUL THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS YEAR

Turned the bitter, acrimonious end of my marriage into a cult hit Adult Swim show

Took several tentative bites out of crime

Cooked and ate a lobster roll every time I felt like a phony

Conquered your father to become Wino Daddy of the Year (Regional)

Stole a machine gun from my priest

Wrote an incendiary yet tender, acidic yet achingly emotional, witty yet piercing debut novel. Butter Butt Bobcats on the Loose in Lusitania!

Convinced myself that isolation and loneliness are just extremely painful abstractions

BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME THIS YEAR

Pined with great futility for the phantom maiden of Ogden Creek

Failed to change the face of Scottish Highland dancing

Unlearned everything I was taught at the feet of that sinister cult leader

Became convinced that I could change the rabid, brain-dead mountain lion I dated for two months

Emotionally alienated the brilliant and drop-dead gorgeous woman I am blackmailing

Took a devastating punch to the sternum for five hundred dollars below my usual rate

Lent hundreds of thousands of dollars to that guy who turned out not to be Boz Scaggs

Quotes from the Screenplay I'm Writing That Is a SCATHING Critique of Our So-Called Media Landscape

"If it BLEEDS, it LEADS!"

"I don't care about nice stories, I want stories about MURDER! That's what gets viewers!"

"I may not have a soul- but look at all of my TWITTER FOLLOWERS!"

"If we're not making grandmas afraid, we're not doing our jobs, gang!"

"Like I said previously- if it BLEEDS, it LEADS!"

"But people are gonna think-"
"People are gonna think what we TELL them to think!"

"Guys, we're not broadcasters. We're drug dealers, and our viewers are jonesin' for that fix!"

(Evil station owner runs comb through slicked-back hair)

"'Politician Embezzles Money'? That's not a story to me. 'Politician Kills Guy With Chainsaw'? Now THOSE are the cookies daddy likes!"

"For the last time: if it BLEEDS, it l- oh, shit, I'm bleeding."

You Wouldn’t Ask Me to Move My Bag from the Seat Next to Me If You Knew Its Dad Had Just Died

Look, I understand. You had a long day, and you’re exhausted. What’s worse, this bus is packed; literally every single seat is occupied. If I was in your position, I’d probably be somewhat desperate too. It’s only natural to start looking around, anxious to find someone—or yes, something—that may not be in dire need of a seat. I get it. You see my backpack placed on the seat next to me and you think to yourself: “Why does a backpack need its own seat? Surely a backpack wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a seat and a lap; it would be just as comfortable sitting on either.” This sentiment, while understandable, is highly presumptuous and, quite frankly, insensitive. I have a feeling you wouldn’t be quite so indignant at the placement of my backpack if you only knew that, just yesterday, my backpack’s father passed away.

Hmm, not so annoyed now, are you? In fact, you look downright confused as to how I could offer such a seemingly outlandish explanation with such confidence. The reason for your bafflement is a simple one: prejudice. You’ve been conditioned by your upbringing (one that, no doubt, came at the hands of a starved and angry pit bull) that backpacks can never know the pain of losing a loved one, particularly in a tragic backpack fire that took out an entire city block of Dayton, Ohio. It never once occurred to you that a being of cloth and vinyl might know the exquisite, incendiary pangs of loss. Well, take this to heart: this backpack has lived. It once had, for a short yet intense period, a serious problem with alcohol. (I put a flask in it but forgot to screw the cap on tight enough, so it spilled.) It has loved. (A dog humped it once in the park.) It has lost. (Well, it’s been lost. I left it in an Applebee’s after I got blackout-drunk on my step-grandma’s birthday.) It has certainly been mistreated. (One time, in order to impress his buddies, a very rude teen humped it in the park.)

And so, in light of these indignities great and small, is it really such a tall order to allow this backpack, a being that once saw Lou Reed in the store in which it lived before I purchased it (he was drunk and lost on a Labor Day weekend), its own temporary square of public real estate? Its own zone of comfort and tranquility? Yes, I’m sure we agree that it isn’t. And I would challenge you, upon leaving this bus, to go out into the world and spread my backpack’s message of kindness and peace to all whom you meet. Perhaps you can start with those three ten-pound bags of potatoes you’re towing? Revolutions begin at home, after all!

Five Best Don Pardo Moments in SNL History

1) November 15, 1975: Casually adds the word "honey" to the end of every sentence he speaks throughout the entire episode

2) January 29, 2011: Spends a whole show yelping happily at a tiny squirrel named Footsy he'd brought into the booth to keep him company

3) October 31, 1981: In the middle of musical guest Fear's second song, Pardo repeatedly chain-whips one of the slam dancers brought in to populate the area in front of the stage. One of the dancers, Minor Threat frontman Ian MacKaye, is brought to tears by the sight of a merciless Pardo swinging his chain and yelling "Fake punks die!"

4) May 6, 1995: Adopts a thick yet surprisingly convincing Swedish accent for reasons that he never explained

5) February 20, 1988: Interrupts several sketches to read from his unpublished historical novel The Glistening Phony Horse of Horace Horst

The Old iTunes Shuffle!

Hello all. Recently I read and enjoyed my friend Dan McRae’s exercise in which he put his iTunes on shuffle and critiqued each song that came up, in the style of the old “Random Rules” feature in the AV Club. I have decided to do the same. In lieu of a review of each song, however, I have decided, with each entry, to include a random passage from a historical detective novel I’ve been working on. It’s set in Victorian England and is called Excuse Me, Death, May I Have a Word?

David Bowie, “Win”

The sky held a tinge of red, thought famed detective Charles Snapes that morning. Blood, perhaps? Was it blood? Was it? Blood? No.

Sonic Youth, “Death Valley ‘69”

The constable tasted the ground with his mouth. “Hmmmm. Regrettable decision, that. Both unpleasant… and unfruitful.”

Kurt Vile, “Ghost Town”

The man in the diaper seemed angry and confused, thought Snapes. Kidnapping him was a bad idea.

ESG, “Come Away”

Bark beetles are so gross. Keep them away from me. END OF CHAPTER 58

Iceage, “Awake”   

Professor Hogwhitechurch kicked the dead body. “He is probably still alive.” The professor leaned down and slapped the body. The dead man’s foot fell off. “Goodbye, foot.”

Built to Spill, “Else”

“Where were you on the night of the murder?”

“I will never have sex. No way, jack. It’s dirty, filthy biz-nasssss.”

“Miss, please try to focus. That’s not what I was asking you about…”

“I don’t have sex and I never will,” she shouted, falling backwards into the shark pit.

Mayer Hawthorne, “Your Easy Lovin’ Ain’t Pleasin’ Nothin’”

“Look at them down there,” muttered Shackleford. “They almost look like little ants running hither and thither.”

“That’s because they ARE ants. You’re looking at ants.”

“I am?”

Boris laughed. “No, I’m just kidding. Those are people.”

“Really? Then why am I able to step on them?”

“Because you’re 800 feet tall, sir.”

“I am?”

“No. I’m kidding again. Those are ants.”

The Kinks, “Big Sky”

Snapes looked up at the incredibly big sky above him. He could see that it would rain soon, and he would need to work quickly to work out the kinks in his plan. He wasn’t exactly a big fan of the kinks (in his plan).

Cut Chemist featuring Edan and Mr. Lif, “Storm”

Shackleford spun around, pistol in his hand. Then he spun the other way, holding a burrito this time. A third spin revealed that he was now gripping a lake trout. He then exploded.

Della Humphrey, “Don’t Make the Good Girls Go Bad”

Bath beads. Snapes laughed out loud at the thought. How could something so foamy be so evil? THE END

Five Cheap Ways to Beat the Heat This Summer

Summer, a period that many argue is the hottest of the four seasons, is now upon us, and unless you are a cyber-humanoid with coolant pumping through its veins, you’re probably looking for easy ways to beat the heat. (If you are a cyber-humanoid, I welcome your eventual full-scale takeover of humanity!) But what’s that you say? You’re on a budget? You weren’t born into a family of tenacious and successful gun-runners like I was? And as a result, you can’t afford an AC unit or the increased utility bills it would generate?  No problem! Here are five ways to keep cool in July and August that won’t hurt your cheque book. (This is assuming that you, as I do, make absolutely every purchase using cheques, regardless of whether it is convenient or even acceptable.   

1)   Buy a Handheld Portable Fan

A handheld portable fan is an affordable and fun way to stay frosty even on the stickiest of days! Prices vary from $4 to $12 dollars if purchased legally. Do keep in mind, however, that these fans are absolutely free if stolen from your neighbor Gary’s house while you’re at one of his dumb barbecues! Hey Gary, I hate you so much, Gary!   

2) Discount Movie Matinees

Who doesn’t love a nice, air-conditioned movie theater on a scorching afternoon? Especially if it’s in a discount theater that screens films near the end of their theatrical run? Probably my awful neighbor Gary, a man devoid of joy or imagination. He certainly would never think of sneaking in his own snacks in a backpack instead of paying exorbitant concession prices. I mean, what a repellent, stink-laden moron!

      3)   Drink Hot Liquids

I know what you’re thinking:  “Hot liquids are supposed to keep me cool? Are you nuts?” Well, first of all, shut up Gary, you don’t know anything. Hot liquids such as tea or coffee will elevate your body’s core temperature, causing you to sweat, and cool down, more rapidly. It figures you wouldn’t know that, Gary—you’re stupid enough to think I don’t know what’s going on between you and my wife!  

            4)  Wear Black Clothing, Not White

“But wait a minute,” you might be saying to yourself, “isn’t white clothing supposed to be more heat-resistant than dark?” Wow, you just don’t know when to shut up, do you Gary? Dark clothing might attract more heat from the sun, but it also absorbs more body heat, unlike white clothing, which reflects it back at you, making you hotter. For more information on the science behind this, please ask my wife the next time you guys are “canoodling,” Gary, you human sewer. (My wife is a scientist. I still love her so much.) 

5) Cooler Full of Ice

Look, I know I haven’t been a great husband. I will admit to that. I could be a better listener, and I’m emotionally withdrawn, and I’m gone often because I don’t like our house and it turns out I don’t like living with someone. But is that any reason to seek the arms of another man? Especially Gary, who is more swamp creature than human being? He’s a failed plumber, Karen! He couldn’t succeed in an industry that‘s virtually recession-free! Karen, if you’re reading this, please come home. I probably won’t be there if you do, because I’m gone a lot, but it’ll be nice to imagine you there. A Coleman cooler will probably set you back about $70 or so. Fill it with ice and it’ll be cold.