Hey guys! Next week I'm going to be a guest on the MTV reality series Please Tell Us the Intimate Details of the First Time You Fucked, Was It Bad, Was It Good, What? The following is an excerpt from the full story of the night I lost my virginity, which I'll be telling on the show next Friday at 11:30 EST. Enjoy!
I'll never forget that giant salami. She held it gently yet firmly between her teeth as she slammed me against the hood of the cruiser and cuffed me. "That'll learn you not to throw a bag of baked Lays at a crop duster," she muttered, taking the salami from her mouth. "Bad enough you interrupted me during giant-salami yoga, but I also lost my damn wooden leg chasing you, you dumb perv."She threw me into the back of the cruiser, then grabbed a marker from her pocket and drew a handlebar moustache on my face. "Now you been branded as my personal sex walrus. And you know what that means."
I told her I didn't, but she just slammed the door and drove us to an abandoned cheesecake factory twenty minutes on the outskirts of Tulsa. She parked and then dove into the backseat. "We're gonna sex!" she whooped, and boy was I excited! It was crazy stuff. There was whipped cream, and the cast of Designing Women showed up to crack wise about our sexual shenanigans and how cool it was to be four ladies from Atlanta, and at some point I lost my library card and my pancreas, which I cannot adequately explain. My Aunt Agnes was also there wearing clown makeup and saying awful sex things, which was weird, because my Aunt Agnes had died ten years previously.
The weirdest part? Probably when the demon tried to enter me through my neck, but it couldn't get through! Dummy, there's no entrance in my neck! What am I, Ukranian??? Then came the chainsaw, which actually tickled just as much as it hurt (and it REALLY hurt) and then the cocoa butter (which would've been nice if it was applied to my skin instead of injected into my veins). At this point I noticed that Rex Murphy and Steve Harvey were seated off to the side as if they were spectators. They clapped for about ten minutes straight without blinking, and at one point Steve Harvey emitted a deep, piercing whine like a smoke detector. "Eh, he always does that," shrugged the Leather Upholstery Pope, who wore a pope hat while being covered in leather upholstery, and who was in charge of periodically whipping me.
When it was over (which I could tell when the lobster pinched the sous chef's nipples, which apparently is called "orgasm"), the cop threw me into a pit and shot me in the leg. What a night! Kids, if you want my opinion, have sex as soon as you can, if only because getting shot in the leg really hurts and you should get used to it as soon as possible!