LIST: Ten Other Things That Clint Eastwood Pretends Are People

1) An uncooperative block of cheese

2) Unframed portrait of Thurgood Marshall

3) A Juicy Fruit wrapper he has nicknamed "Scrappy"

4) Broken 8-track player

5) The video for Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel"

6) 1983 issue of the A-Team comic book

7) Jar of mango chutney

8) Index card with the following written on it: "Every Which Way But Loose...Any Which Way You Can...Any Random Pile of Methamphetamines?"

9) His own image on a DVD copy of Unforgiven

10) Mitt Romney

Thank You All For Attending This Emergency Meeting

I'd like to thank you all for attending this emergency meeting. I don't like being here any more than you do, but we need to address this matter as soon as possible or it will only snowball completely out of our control. The issue in question is one that has plagued all of us for quite some time, and I think we should finally put it to rest and move on with our lives. This is why I've called you here to the boardroom at 3 AM: so that we may finally find closure on this bothersome business forever. The issue at hand is, of course: what should I do to fully blast my deltoids?

I truly have tried everything! I do plenty of bench and other overhead presses every day, so you better believe my front delts ripple more ferociously than the Caspian Sea! Ha ha, yeah, I spent a lot of time working on that simile, so thanks for the nice words, Roger. Well, yeah, I know you didn't actually say anything; I just read the kindness in your eyes. Anyway, I think those are in decent shape, but it's the rear deltoids that might be the sticky wicket here. I need to keep those rear delts nice and supple to prevent any rotator cuff injuries on the mound this softball season. I gotta stay at full power if we're gonna rebuild this year! Hey, remember when I beaned Jim Ferguson from Prior Financial last year? I'm not proud of it, but he had it coming. He shouldn't have been standing on the bleachers like that.

Anyway, I've been trying the "bent-over lateral raise", where you bend over with dumbbells and then raise your arms upwards, but it doesn't seem to be doing much... wait, Leslie, where are you going? You thought this meeting had something to do with the company? I'm not sure what you're implying. This meeting has EVERYTHING to do with the company. I'm the CEO, and as a result I carry this company on my shoulders. Well, not literally, of course, but metaphorically. Actually, not metaphorically either, because CEO was just an honorary title my uncle gave me so he could put me on the payroll so I could move out of my parents' basement woodshed. I don't really do anything! Isn't that remarkable? I mean, even pond scum breeds. 

So, the rear delts... oops, everyone's gone. Hmm. Here I am, alone again as usual. Sigh. What a life I've lived. What a ride! First I was born, then I went to school, then I sat around, and then last night I ate turkey pot pie. Boy, the things I've seen... people talking about on the street! The places I've been... looking at in that atlas I found in that cave full of raccoons! And yet, still so much life yet to live. Boy, when I think ahead... ow, damn it, my delts just collapsed! Stupid muscle disease! Time for me to pay another visit to Dr. Felton Baxter. I wonder if he still has that electric fence around his estate?

LIST: Terrible Names for Professional Wrestlers

1) Jake "The Snack" Roberts

2) Empira the Mud Frog

3) Mr. Gangrene

4) Lord Footrub

5) The Guy Who Looks Like a Broken Eraser

6) The Emperor of Ice Cream

7) The Soggy Pepperoni Dame

8) Effigy Of The Late William Kunstler

9) The Early Finisher

10) The Second Coming of Jim Nabors

LIST: Ten Ways In Which The State Of Arizona Will Eventually Mark The Beginning Of A Pregnancy

1) Two weeks before conception

2) Right after the previous menstrual cycle BEFORE the one that leads to pregnancy

3) At the end of the Netflix viewing of Wild Things that led to the act of conception

4) Any time you think about sex

5) Any time you read or hear the word "sex"

6) Whenever a man and a woman meet

7) Whenever you fondle a grapefruit

8) The beginning of your nephew's baptism

9) Right now

10) You are pregnant right now

A Truly Irresistible Offer!

You're going to meet a lot of people in life who simply try to please you. They'll agree to any position you take on any subject, simply to avoid conflict or remain on friendly terms with you, regardless of how misguided or false your views might be. These people might actually believe they're helping you or making your life easier. Trust me: they aren't. All they're doing is perpetuating the inflated sense of self that is going to keep you from making real friends and achieving true intimacy and trust with others. 

I am not one of these yes people, these enablers. I truly do have your best interests at heart. I believe that you could be living a life you've only dreamed of. Your station in life could, nay must, be elevated to a position heretofore unimaginable! I want to help you become the you that you and only you can be.   But of course, that doesn't mean telling you what you want to hear, regardless of whether or not it's true. And it doesn't mean feeding you a constant stream of insincere compliments. No, my plan for putting you in touch with your true essence is simple yet bold. In short, I would like to be the person who repeatedly pushes you into a ditch.

How big will this ditch be? About average; just your typical drainage ditch. What will be in this ditch? Nothing that you wouldn't normally find in a ditch. Possibly rainwater, if it rained earlier that day. Who will be watching me push you into a ditch? Well, I'm certainly not planning on inviting anyone to this, although if you plan on inviting your parole officer or kindergarten teacher, as those I've pushed in the past I've done, then by all means! I obviously cannot guarantee that there will be no passersby witnessing the push, but if you prefer we can try to find a relatively remote ditch that few would pass by on their way to work or prison. (Sorry I've already brought up prison AND parole officers; prison has been on my mind lately. My father is coming home next weekend after spending 12 years at Guantanamo Bay as both a guard AND a prisoner!)

What will I shout at you as I push you? I usually try not to shout anything at all, although as with the passersby, I cannot guarantee anything. The pushing tends to be a strangely erotic ritual for me; I become very aroused when placed in a role of authority or mastery, which is to say almost never. Often enough I find that, as hard as I try to remain silent during the push, I will unwittingly shout out some feverish exhortation or other, such as "Flog me Timothy!" or "Till my field, you sweaty Viking minx!" My therapist has suggested that this is healthy and cathartic, which may be true; I just think it's a hoot!

Anyway, please appoint me the person who repeatedly pushes you into a ditch. If I first have to apprentice as the person who repeatedly kisses you on the forehead, that's A-OK!

LIST: Ten Very Cool Grandmas

1) Nelly Sigurdson, who cooks her mailman a "psychedelic chicken pot pie" every Friday

2) Ellie McGee, who doesn't understand all this froufra about the kids having the sex and the whatnot. As long as they're being responsible, let 'em have fun!

3) Evelyn Thompson, who accidentally walked into an anarchist bookstore last week and asked them if they have "any new James Herriot"

4) Annie Buford, who refers to those fatcat politicians in Ottawa as "boomerangs" because they're all crooked!

5) Stella Ginty, who is going to drive HERSELF to see Ron James, thank you very much!

6) Elma Jackson, who sometimes wears a Ramones T-shirt when she volunteers at wedding socials

7) Betty Barrie, who is taking yoga classes regardless of what that old cuss of a hubby thinks!

8) Alice Westwood, who likes to spice up her scripture readings at Sunday service by delivering them like she's an insult comic like Don Rickles!

9) Madge Allison, who likes to listen to the radio while she bakes so she knows what music to buy the grandkids on Christmas

10) Harriet Neilor, who figures that age isn't a number- it's a state of mind!

The Difference Between Stuff I Like And Stuff I Don't Like

I'm here to talk about the difference between things I like and things I don't like. A lot of people have asked me if there's a distinct difference between things I like and things I do not care for. Here is a handy primer.

Things that I like all possess a certain majesty, a certain operatic excess of spirit. A good example of this is the ball-point pen I use to write angry notes to my neighbors in which I angrily invite them to my barbecues. There is a certain baroque, operatic quality to the things I like that is largely absent from the things I don't like. For instance, the guy at the donut shop with a weird ducktail hairdo is very baroque and operatic in spirit. You can tell that within him lie great passions, frustrations and rages, and that he has probably spent time in juvie for pushing over an ice cream truck. I also find that things I like are very graceful and smooth yet sassy, like if someone turned Grace Jones into a chocolate mousse. Something else that is graceful and smooth yet sassy is the monkey that sits at the foot of my bed every night and sends telepathic warnings of my upcoming death. Look at his little tail!

But boy, I tell you. Those things in life I don't like? Brother, don't get me storted! Stirted! Sturted! (What's the expression again?) The things I don't like tend to be boorish, tactless. Falling into this category is local weatherman Jeff Bethere, who insists on leaving his blinds closed during intimate moments with his gardener and mail carrier. Does he not realize that sex is meant to be shared, public, and disgusting? I also don't like things that have a desperate, keening quality to them, as if they are helpless babies crying out for suckling. This definitely describes the cat who walks around my neighborhood eating the roast chickens I place on street corners for local toddlers to nest inside of. Can they not kill, cook and prepare their own roasted deli meats? How else do these cats expect area children to learn how to hide from collections agencies and parole officers? For shame!

Anyway, I hope this sums up the standards I hold for everyday life. If you have any further questions in this regard, ask someone who cares! (Namely, my literary agent Dawn Mackley, who is a delightfully empathetic person.)