LISTICLE: My Ten Favorite Teachers and What They Taught Me

1) Mr. Debosie, Grade 2 Social Studies ("The meat of your thighs makes for top-notch sausage")

2) Mrs. Crevecoeur, Grade 4 English ("When the fat of the land cannot sustain thee, consumption of the depraved is a consecrated act")

3) Ms. Finikey, Grade 5 Art ("The true artist never stops short of aesthetically murdering his subject")

4) Mr. Jenkins, Grade 6 French ("The void howls at you. Cast off your bourgeois morality and be swallowed by the abyss!")

5) Mr. Borwang, Grade 7 Gym ("Feel the necks of the weak beneath your boot heel. Grind it in harder. Feel their life essence seep out, giving in to your iron will")

6) Mrs. Alanson, Grade 8 Science ("The universe is cruel and unrelentingly brutal. Destroy it before it destroys you")

7) Mr. Eilie, Grade 9 Math ("Oh the pain, oh the pain, oh the pain, oh the pain, oh the pain MAKE IT STOP")

8) Mr. Persnicket, Grade 10 Homeroom ("Life is like Vietnam: in order to make it out alive, one must carry a Bowie knife and be ready to use it")

9) Mrs. Nailon, Grade 11 Home Ec. ("If your cupcakes taste too much like almonds, then the arsenic will never work")

10) Mr. Jonat, Grade 12 Business ("Money is like friendship: if you want to get it, your britches gotta get a little bloodsoaked")

LISTICLE: People Outside the Gender Binary of Note

1) Slink Ashton, lead singer of the gutter-punk combo Night Shit

2) Crag Magnanagnum, the only survivor of Wienerschnitzel '87

3) Alan Arson, the lead singer of a generic punk band from a John Hughes movie called The Flaming Snots or whatever

4) Microphone Elliott, who first uttered the sentence "If you remember the 60's you weren't there", then immediately wished they hadn't because ugh

5) Kegger Freethru, still trying to use a catcher's mitt as an aphrodisiac

6) Stick Boog, who walked into the WRONG hotel banquet room and is now covered in mucus

7) Famous rapper MC Kinda Creeped Out By Their New College Roommate Who Keeps Pictures of Amish Women in a Shoebox

8) Sashay Elton, waiting for you outside the Value Village change room while you try on track pants and yelling "It's not you, track pants are made smaller these days"

9) Jafe Worthyfox, not exactly crazy about how close their name is to Jeff Foxworthy, although it gets them free chicken-fried steak at all Bonanza Family Restaurants

10) King Loofa, pioneer in the subgenre "bath-dub"

My Summer Vacation... So Far!!!!

Gang, what a fun time I have had on my summer vacation! I don't have much money, so I had to put the old kibosh on my original plans to hit up Cabo or Tahiti. Instead, I've set up shop in the very small backyard of my parole officer Judd Plessis. I have stretched eight tropical-themed beach towels across his clothesline, however, so the effect is much the same. Also, Mr. Plessis has stipulated that I am only to remain in his yard provided that I do not steal any Tang from his shed mini-fridge, and that I do not address his daughter Juniper except to ask for more tensor bandages for the coyote bite on my left shin. (Oh, King Crimson, you naughty scamp! No more beef bouillon for you for a while! It makes you ravenous for more meat!) Anyway, here's what I've been up to so far!

June 13


On this day I spent much of my day lying on my side in a hammock reading The Economist bemoaning the current state of the global economy, which is another way of saying that I scanned lazily through some special religious Archie comics from the 70's I found underneath some jerrycans in the shed while eating Pop Rocks and chocolate milk. I remember Jughead asking me if I'd let His light into my life, and I did not know how to respond.

June 25


I swung angrily at a bee that had entered my parole officer's tomato garden. I yelled at it for several minutes, trying to get it to atone for the vile deeds it had committed. Then I realized that it was Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger who had willfully prolonged the war in Vietnam, not a random bee. Then I realized I was nude and had a bad sunburn on my upper left buttock. Then I realized I had entered a state of psychosis. On this issue, Jughead was silent.

July 5


On this day I boarded a cruise ship and had the time of my life! The ship was called the SS John Larroquette and it set sail for the steamy climes of Morocco! I had many romantic misadventures after embarking! I had a torrid affair with a Spanish princess named Lady Lavender who rocked my world on the starboard bow! Her husband Prince Javier found out about her affair from the Lady's treacherous servant Alvino, and challenged me to a duel. INTRIGUE! I won the duel by shooting him with lasers from my eyes and sprinkling his ashes on a delightful slice of poundcake. It was only later that I realized that the boat in question was actually an abandoned, rusted trailer and the prince and princess were two escaped convicts who weren't in a position to turn down a little roleplay. Not sure where I got the poundcake. On this issue, Jughead was silent.

July 12


I am writing this from a hospital bed after suffering severe heat stroke. Beats the heat, that's for sure! At least I think it does. On this issue Jughead is silent.

Have a good summer everyone!
Boz Scaggs

LISTICLE: 10 Classic Albums and Their Original Titles

1) Devo, Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo (Q: Is the Name of Our Band Devo? A: I Guess So)

2) John Coltrane, A Love Supreme (Fart Patrol)

3) The Doors, L.A. Woman (Boozy and Overrated Part Umpteenth)

4) The Beatles, Rubber Soul (Rubber Boobs)

5) Public Enemy, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (It Takes a Rowdy Five Year Old With a Bike Chain to Hold Us Back)

6) Joni Mitchell, Blue (What Are Your, Like, Absolute Favorite Rodney Dangerfield Jokes? I Like the One About His Wife Calling From the Motel Room!!!!! LOLZ!!!)

7) The Rolling Stones, Let It Bleed (Thanks, Santa! I Swear I Won't Tell Anyone About That Weird Rash On Your Thigh!)

8) Bob Dylan, Bringing It All Back Home (Chocolate Starfish and the Hot-Dog-Flavored Water)

9) Led Zeppelin, Led Zeppelin III (Bobby McFerrin 1,000,000)

10) Stevie Wonder, Songs in the Key of Life (I Don't Know, It's Like, I'm SPIRITUAL, But I'm Not, Like, RELIGIOUS, Y'Know?)

LISTICLE: The Last Ten Names Available for Race Horses

1) Bitter Rejection

2) Saucy Little Pizza

3) Puddle of Memories

4) Hair Metal Throwback

5) When One Puts On One's Jodhpurs, One Doesn't Expect to Contract Syphilis!

6) I Specifically Requested Gold Bond Powder! (Storms Out of the Banquet)

7) I'm the Sexiest Person In My Retirement Home, But I Still Don't Get No Valentines

8) Hey, I Finally Get Your Joke About Peter Jennings!

9) 8 Year Old With a Farmer's Tan

10) Seminar on Scalp Dryness

Def Leppard Fan Letter, 1989

Big news, gang! I recently discovered a floppy disc containing a fan letter I wrote to Def Leppard when I was a mere 8 years old. They were my favorite band at the time, their impeccably soulless, balls-several-meters-from-the-wall anthems perfectly capturing an age in which young activists took to the streets demanding cookies and cereal be combined in one box. Anyway, enjoy!

Dear Def Leppard,

You are my favorite band in the world. I very much appreciate the fact that your music is less threatening than Poison, but edgier than a teddy bear coated in lemon meringue. With that in mind, I have written two songs for your consideration, inspired as I am by your wealth and your insistence on existing. Enclosed is a demo tape I made on my uncle’s 8-track, which I borrowed while he was in prison for impersonating, and later slapping, a police officer. Here are explanations for both tracks.

Frost My Corn Muffins Norma

I have recently realized that your band makes extensive use of sexual innuendo, where you say things that aren’t sex but then secretly it means sex. This is a song that is definitely that. In this number the narrator, a “baker”, which is code for a man’s spaghetti doodle, is preparing a batch of “corn muffins”, which is code for a woman person’s garden gate. The “baker” is excited because the “corn muffins” are for a special “banquet”, which is code for tickling a mailman’s nipples with a feather. On the day of the “banquet”, the “baker” discovers that the “corn muffins” have been ruined because someone has put “frosting” on them, which is code for the kinds of pajamas with the trap door in front. Ultimately, the “baker” says “Aw stuff it” to the whole thing and kisses “Norma” on the cheek, “Norma” being code for “Australian soup picnic”. I HOPE YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS TOO RAUNCHY!!!!

Why Is Everyone Rocking?

This song is about a man in the year 2185 who is trying to write a book about the history of rock and roll. While doing research, he stumbles upon the name “Def Leppard” in an old dusty book in the library at Harvard University. He consults a rock historian with a long white beard, who warns him not to investigate further lest a terrible fate befall him. But the guy, who looks like Pierce Brosnan (I mention this several times throughout the song) doesn’t care and pushes on. It turns out that “Def Leppard” was a band in the late 20^th century that resisted the great alien takeover of 1998 that aimed to put “frosting” on everyone’s “corn muffins” (LIKE IN THE OTHER SONG!!!!!!!!). They were executed for their troubles and everyone was forbidden from speaking their name. The Pierce Brosnan guy leads a mass revolt where thousands of people say the name DEF LEPPARD in the streets, leading to everyone’s corn muffins being defrosted, and then he and a woman named Miss Poodle lick each other’s hair for a good long while.

I hope you enjoy these songs. Keep in mind that if you do not record them and compensate me for my efforts, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. (In my heart! Tee hee!) You will notice that all of these songs are written specifically for banjo and mouth harp, and make repeated reference to the name “Johnny Sex”, always for no reason. Do not edit this out.

Your biggest fan,

Darren

LISTICLE: Ten Unpopular 80's Boy Bands

1) Velvet Failure

2) Sensual Mistake

3) 4 Thick Dudes Just Makin' It Work, You Know?

4) I Don't Know, I Mean, the Way I See It, We Have GOT to Fuck

5) Right Direction. Wait... Is It? Did You Turn Left or Right on Thompson? Oh, Brilliant, It's the WRONG Direction. Un-fucking-believable.

6) Pow Pow Pow, Pachoo Pachoo Pachoo, You're All Dead From LOVE

7) Old Men in the Basement

8) 2 Dumb 2 Put Up a 10nt

9) Specific Onesie

10) Chainsaw Shaun and the Stump Lads