Friday 14 September 2012

A Letter To My New Roommate!

Dear New Roommate,

Hi there! I hope you will enjoy your new home here at 839 Turnbull Road. We're a wacky bunch here, as you're soon to learn once you get settled in. We like to think of ourselves as a group of people living together as a result of poor decision-making, a financial inability to live on our own, and a crippling fear of loneliness. In other words, like a family! Ha ha! That's just one example of the kind of yucks you're gonna get with this crew! Anyway, I figured since I'd be out of town when you moved in, and since Tania and Shawn will both be busy, I'd leave you this note of greeting on the fridge, letting you know what to expect from each of us.

I'm Jeff, and I'm an economics student. My dream is to, some day in the distant future, complete my economics degree. One thing to keep in mind about me is that I tend to start yelling when touched. Fittingly enough, I also tend to start touching when yelled at. These tendencies have made me a big hit on the wrestling team, but a complete washout in the debate club. Another thing to remember about me is that I demand to be greeted in the morning by the sight of a hairy 300 pound man writhing in torment in a kiddie pool full of chocolate pudding. This is an essential component of a new form of therapy I've been undergoing in which I begin each day by reliving the conditions of my birth. ( I was born in an abandoned candy factory and raised by Satanic circus clowns who tormented me by insisting on doing my homework for me.)

Then you've got Tania. She's a rabid Willie Nelson fan who also happens to think that she is inhabited by Willie Nelson's spirit. I've told her numerous times that Willie Nelson is still alive, but she refuses to believe me. She spends a lot of her time organizing Farm-Aid benefits and prank-dialing Toby Keith. She also begins crying if she sees anyone sitting in a chair, so you might as well start getting used to crouching, lying down on the floor, or levitating. Oh, she also has a habit of standing in strange places at strange times, so if you wake up in the middle of the night and find her looming over you, it's best to keep your eye on her instead of going back to sleep, as a way of respecting her "process".

Finally, there's Shawn. Shawn is... actually, there's not much point in telling you about Shawn. If all goes as planned, he'll be dead soon enough.

Anyway, that's about it. A couple of final points: don't throw out any of the rotting food in the refrigerator because Tania and I like to use it to eat, and don't ever step foot in the bathtub on the off chance that it swallows you alive.

Welcome home!


No comments:

Post a Comment