Hey there! Welcome to our sleepy little hamlet! We here in Dozington live a quiet, casual kind of life, far removed from the hustle and hubabub of big city existence! Yep, things around here are pretty peaceful for the most part. In fact, even our crime, when we do have it, is pretty mellow. So, if you ever stop by our bucolic little village for a friendly visit, you might read this short little primer we've prepared that lists the three most "notorious" (har har!) crimes that have ever occurred in Dozington. Try not to "doze" off in the middle of it! Heh heh!
April 17, 1965
Enos Bainbridge, 81, got a little steamed at his cousin Eenis, 78, after a game of poker at the home of mutual friend Eli Belge. During the game, Enos became convinced that Eenis was cheating. Enos got so angry about Eenis winning the pot that night that he stormed out of Eli's home and drove away-- in EENIS'S truck! Eenis got so mad about Enos stealing his truck that he called the Dozington police and reported it stolen. After Enos was apprehended at his house later that night, however, Eenis decided to drop the charges. Which begs the question: what's the exact opposite of "kissin' cousins"? Ha ha!
June 28, 1982
Dozington police received a call at 12:35 AM reporting that a group of teens were congregating behind an abandoned grain silo out near Rural Road #2. Suspecting a large drug transaction, deputies raced to the scene expecting to encounter some real heat! Instead, they found a group of classmates from that year's graduating high school class spray-painting "Class of 82" on the side of the silo. Boy, were their faces (and hands) red! (They were using red spray-paint.)
Local officials sure have been "bewitched" by this crime caper! It appears that over the last five months, someone has been kidnapping local residents and sacrificing them in Satanic blood rituals! Boy, the person doing this must be quite the little devil! Ha ha! No one has any idea who could be committing these murders, although if you want my guess, it's probably a real Gloomy Gus! Yeesh! But seriously, if you are visiting here for whatever reason, it's probably best to stay the night out of town somewhere. It is extremely dangerous.