I am not one of these yes people, these enablers. I truly do have your best interests at heart. I believe that you could be living a life you've only dreamed of. Your station in life could, nay must, be elevated to a position heretofore unimaginable! I want to help you become the you that you and only you can be. But of course, that doesn't mean telling you what you want to hear, regardless of whether or not it's true. And it doesn't mean feeding you a constant stream of insincere compliments. No, my plan for putting you in touch with your true essence is simple yet bold. In short, I would like to be the person who repeatedly pushes you into a ditch.
How big will this ditch be? About average; just your typical drainage ditch. What will be in this ditch? Nothing that you wouldn't normally find in a ditch. Possibly rainwater, if it rained earlier that day. Who will be watching me push you into a ditch? Well, I'm certainly not planning on inviting anyone to this, although if you plan on inviting your parole officer or kindergarten teacher, as those I've pushed in the past I've done, then by all means! I obviously cannot guarantee that there will be no passersby witnessing the push, but if you prefer we can try to find a relatively remote ditch that few would pass by on their way to work or prison. (Sorry I've already brought up prison AND parole officers; prison has been on my mind lately. My father is coming home next weekend after spending 12 years at Guantanamo Bay as both a guard AND a prisoner!)
What will I shout at you as I push you? I usually try not to shout anything at all, although as with the passersby, I cannot guarantee anything. The pushing tends to be a strangely erotic ritual for me; I become very aroused when placed in a role of authority or mastery, which is to say almost never. Often enough I find that, as hard as I try to remain silent during the push, I will unwittingly shout out some feverish exhortation or other, such as "Flog me Timothy!" or "Till my field, you sweaty Viking minx!" My therapist has suggested that this is healthy and cathartic, which may be true; I just think it's a hoot!
Anyway, please appoint me the person who repeatedly pushes you into a ditch. If I first have to apprentice as the person who repeatedly kisses you on the forehead, that's A-OK!