Monday 13 August 2012

The Latest in Fall Fashion

Gang, summer's halfway over, and it's time to start thinking about what frocks of glory we'll all be donning come autumn! You might be asking yourself "Why do I have to start thinking about fall in early August? And why can't I just wear what I wore last year?" The answer to both questions is, "Because we'll all die one day, specifically March 21, 2013, in the biblical flame of unearthly wrath that God shall use to clutch us once more to his hairy bosom. Until that day of eternal homecoming, however, you'll want to sport a nice peacoat or whatever. So, here are a couple of choice fall looks to keep the bats of fashion out of the belfry of not looking as cool as that guy Derek who plays bass in that local band Bluffcaller.

The Cynical Bunny

Fall is a time of gentle yet irrevocable decay. What says "gentle decay" better than a large talking bunny adopting an attitude of angry pessimism? The hot look this fall is "charcoal-soiled bunny costume". Stand outside your local singles bar in this get-up while holding a carrot and shouting bitterly about the alcoholic fire-eater who took your virginity and then cruelly gave it back. Point at the orange stains on your outfit and say "This is the residue from all the remorse Cheetos I been eating. My feelings taste like wet soot, so I gots to cover em up." Prepare for shabby treatment from the paparazzi, who will ambush you with such questions as "Who are you?" and "Can we please eat at Hardee's in peace?"

The Insulated Two-Story House

This look is simple yet insouciant!

First, take stock of the areas of your body or soul where air can enter or escape. These would include your ears and your personality. Then, wrap all of these areas with fiberglass, mineral wool, and cotton, making sure in the process that you do not think about how your ex lives in Florida working as a beekeeper for a drug kingpin nicknamed "The Key Chain" because he "holds keys". Now you should measure your RSI value, which indicates how effective your insulation really is. If you score a 1, or a "Sean Young", then your body is porous and riddled with pinprick holes of filthy emotion. If, however, you score a 10, or a "Gillian Anderson", your soul is as tightly sealed as a pickle jar in an Amish pantry. Next, cover your lower half in cement and make sure your foundation isn't leaky. Not only are you stylish, but just think of the miserable Eugene O'Neill-style dramas that will unfold inside you over the next 100 years, before you are demolished to make way for a two-story Japanese/Polish fusion restaurant called Sushi By Belushi!

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