Friday 3 August 2012

LISTABUNGA: Ten Great Quotes From My New Book About Acting, THE ACTOR'S SATCHEL

1) "When one is acting, one is never reacting; rather, one is eating potato salad and waiting for one's next line." (page 15)

2) "In order to act, the actist--oops, I'm sorry, that's a typo, I'll fix that later-- the actist must look to the sky for the flightpath of the crow. If he flies northeast to southwest, you'll win a Golden Globe!" (page 37)

3) "If you are called upon to do a British accent, simply aim for a German accent. When you fail, and fail you will, your voice will land soundly in Germaniatown, where chocolate statues await!" (page 56)

4) "Are you acting opposite a woman? Firstly, stay calm. Regardless of how you found yourself in such a dire situation, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Offer her bushels of nuts and berries until her appetite is sated and she leaves the soundstage. Phew! That was a close one!" (page 82)

5) "Acting with masks is a very effective form of dramatic training. Also, you can wear your masks during the commission of several health-food store robberies in the area, which should bankroll your production of The Rules of the Game!" (page 107)

6) "When acting in a very tense and hard-hitting courtroom scene, deliver most of your lines while bent at the waist and looking at the floor. This will signal that your character is "doubled-over" with legal acumen. Viewers, with tears pooling at the corners of their eyes, will announce "The top of that man's head is at the top of its game!" (page 136)

7) "Have you tried this new grape Fanta? MMMMM!! So delicious and refreshing, you'd think the grapes were fresh off the vine! Deeelish! If any representatives from Fanta are reading this tome, I am always available for TV or print endorsements. Get in touch with my agent Bartholomew Stinch. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes: whenever possible, avoid Danny Aiello." (page 188)

8) "Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who swears that I am the one, but the kid is not my son. Anyway, that should clear up the persistent rumors about me and Billie Jean King, although, in fairness, those rumors were started by me. I am a very lonely man." (page 211)

9) "Remember that when acting for film, less is more. Make your facial expressions as subdued and subtle as possible. In fact, do not move your face at all. Study ventriloquism so you will not have to move your lips. Critics will call your performance 'huh?'" (page 238)

10) "But seriously, about the acting with women thing: I think the main reason I am afraid of women is that my Ozarks pa-pa Elmer Duddle taught me growing up that women are ravenous cyborg-cannibals who hunger after my thick soul-gravy. I realize this is not 'technically' true, but I admit I am still under the sway of Daddy Duddle's 1968 book Women Folk: The Purty Menace. Worth a read for sure!" (page 281)

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