Monday 9 July 2012

Def Leppard Fan Letter, 1989

Big news, gang! I recently discovered a floppy disc containing a fan letter I wrote to Def Leppard when I was a mere 8 years old. They were my favorite band at the time, their impeccably soulless, balls-several-meters-from-the-wall anthems perfectly capturing an age in which young activists took to the streets demanding cookies and cereal be combined in one box. Anyway, enjoy!

Dear Def Leppard,
You are my favorite band in the world. I very much appreciate the fact that your music is less threatening than Poison, but edgier than a teddy bear coated in lemon meringue. With that in mind, I have written two songs for your consideration, inspired as I am by your wealth and your insistence on existing. Enclosed is a demo tape I made on my uncle’s 8-track, which I borrowed while he was in prison for impersonating, and later slapping, a police officer. Here are explanations for both tracks.

Frost My Corn Muffins Norma
I have recently realized that your band makes extensive use of sexual innuendo, where you say things that aren’t sex but then secretly it means sex. This is a song that is definitely that. In this number the narrator, a “baker”, which is code for a man’s spaghetti doodle, is preparing a batch of “corn muffins”, which is code for a woman person’s garden gate. The “baker” is excited because the “corn muffins” are for a special “banquet”, which is code for tickling a mailman’s nipples with a feather. On the day of the “banquet”, the “baker” discovers that the “corn muffins” have been ruined because someone has put “frosting” on them, which is code for the kinds of pajamas with the trap door in front. Ultimately, the “baker” says “Aw stuff it” to the whole thing and kisses “Norma” on the cheek, “Norma” being code for “Australian soup picnic”. I HOPE YOU DON’T THINK THIS IS TOO RAUNCHY!!!!

Why Is Everyone Rocking?
This song is about a man in the year 2185 who is trying to write a book about the history of rock and roll. While doing research, he stumbles upon the name “Def Leppard” in an old dusty book in the library at Harvard University. He consults a rock historian with a long white beard, who warns him not to investigate further lest a terrible fate befall him. But the guy, who looks like Pierce Brosnan (I mention this several times throughout the song) doesn’t care and pushes on. It turns out that “Def Leppard” was a band in the late 20th century that resisted the great alien takeover of 1998 that aimed to put “frosting” on everyone’s “corn muffins” (LIKE IN THE OTHER SONG!!!!!!!!). They were executed for their troubles and everyone was forbidden from speaking their name. The Pierce Brosnan guy leads a mass revolt where thousands of people say the name DEF LEPPARD in the streets, leading to everyone’s corn muffins being defrosted, and then he and a woman named Miss Poodle lick each other’s hair for a good long while.

I hope you enjoy these songs. Keep in mind that if you do not record them and compensate me for my efforts, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. (In my heart! Tee hee!) You will notice that all of these songs are written specifically for banjo and mouth harp, and make repeated reference to the name “Johnny Sex”, always for no reason. Do not edit this out.

Your biggest fan,

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