Monday 16 July 2012

My New TV Show!!!!

Big news, gang: I've written a television pilot that I'm currently shopping around to all of the major networks, including CBC, CTV and Global, as well as some smaller "niche" channels such as Home and Garden Television and Bank Security Camera Footage of Your Cousin Telling a Boring Story About Hooking Up at Burning Man. It's a corker!!! Why don't I give you a little outline of this gem, huh?

The name of the show is The Czech Is In the Male. It stars Paulina Porizkova and Reginald VelJohnson  of Family Matters fame. Mr. VelJohnson plays a Milwaukee postal worker with a heart of gold and an elbow of gold and several other body parts made of a very itchy synthetic microfibre. Ms. Porizkova, meanwhile, plays a Polish homicide detective who, just before she can arrest Krakow's most notorious serial killer, has a curse placed on her by the killer that shrinks her to the size of a kernel of corn. She manages to wander into a nearby butcher shop and find refuge inside a Polish sausage that is eventually shipped to America. The sausage finds its way onto the plate, and into the stomach, of... you guessed it... Don Henley. Oops, sorry, I mean Reginald VelJohnson. (I was thinking of Don Henley because he plays Joe Walsh in the second episode... I hope!)

Ms. Porizkova soon discovers that she can communicate with Mr. VelJohnson by screaming into his small intestine, through which the sound carries into his ear canal. Ms. Porizkova eventually convinces Mr. VelJohnson to fly to Krakow and track down the serial killer in question, and after many hilarious depictions of a Polish/American culture clash (for instance, Mr. VelJohnson tips 15% in a Polish restaurant, while Polish custom typically demands that the customer cut off their tongue), VelJohnson and Porizkova track down the killer and bring him to justice. At the end of the pilot, Porizkova decides to stay inside VelJohnson and help him solve murders back in Milwaukee.

The rest of the series, as I've imagined it, will have plenty of special "event" episodes. Certainly, there will be at least one episode where the two will change places, with Reginald VelJohnson going inside Paulina Porizkova's stomach. Also, I think one of the episodes will just be an hour of me sitting outside a Toys R' Us drinking whiskey from a flask and asking myself why I thought this was a good idea for a show. I also see plenty of merchandising opportunities for this series, including lunch boxes, birth certificates, hypodermic needles, and an accountant in Topeka, Kansas whose bitter divorce we plan on sponsoring. Anyway, look forward to watching us next fall, unless I decide to push my other pilot, Detective Fancy Man Forgot to Wear Pants So Now He's Getting Kicked Out of the Swiss Chalet.

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