Darren "Sweetpea" Springer
Address: Wherever elderly Shriners write fashion blogs
Phone #: Y'all would not understand!!!
To whom it may concern,
Look, I needs job. I got a lotta hair to support, and without sufficient moneys this stuff is gonna run away from me and hang out on top of a bald man with a Camaro whose kneecaps are supple and moist! This would be DEVASTATING and would affect many facets of life as we know it, including the Irish economy somehow (I have charts I could show you but I do not understand them). So: hair. There is hairs right on top of my head, which would be helpful for any office job that requires finding nurturing locations for local squirrels to rest or give birth. My hair can also be used to increase or restore office morale, especially on a Monday morning. Employees can be given five-minute windows in which to touch or smell my hair as incentives to work harder and faster. They can also store important office supplies in my supple bushel of flaxen locks, including staplers, paper clips, and unruly clients. In short, hair is helpful and smells nice, which you need in today's fast-paced business thing.
Also, I think my time spent as a high-end "gourmet" dishrag is going to come in pretty handy if you ever have any spills to clean up, or if you just want to scream into me the kind of things you could never say to your emotionally distant stranger of a spouse! I can be used on virtually any surface, and I can be wrung out simply by throwing me repeatedly against a wall until I dry up on the inside. You can then place me on the sink or in a bucket, which speaks to my versatility and ability to adapt quickly to new challenges and sinks. Put me on your team and you can be sure that I will get wet and covered in food particles, just like the time I spent as a student teacher!
Finally, my main selling point is definitely the fact that if you leave me in a room that is any degree above room temperature, I will overheat and became absolutely scalding to the touch. This is because the fan that was installed inside me at the factory does not function as it should; I have allowed too much Cheeto dust and motor oil to build up and impede its revolutions. In any case, be sure not to place me against your knees or upper thighs, or else your entire lower half will begin to look and talk like Wilford Brimley. This is important in any job these days because hard work.
I think I will be a real asset to your company you idiot. Shut up.