Thursday 5 July 2012

My Great-Grandmother's Prized Recipes!

Guys, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but my great-grandmother Bugsalona “Bugsy” Vedrovarover was a famous chef in Norway in the first half of the second quarter of the 20th century. She received awards and acclaim from many corners of Norwegian society, and once hospitalized King Nabob of Denmark with her famed Five Alarm Chocolate Pudding. Herewith are some of her most notorious recipes, all made with simple ingredients!

Heat your self-esteem to “boiling” and then eat five pairs of rubber boots. Your sense of self-worth will serve as a cauldron that will melt the rubber and the hearts of any nearby Peruvian poet-sheepherders. Once the rubber becomes thoroughly liquefied, open your mouth and think the thoughts of the ancient childnappers of old, who would grab little children and bake them into urinal cakes. The rubber will come pouring out fast and furious. Then get a chicken from an executioner pure of heart and throw it into the melted rubber. Voila! Be careful eating it, though, because it seems like it could kill you.

This one’s pretty self-explanatory. First, sit your 90 year old grandmother down on the chesterfield and explain to her that she and others of her generation have outlived their usefulness on our planet, and that soon they will be transported via rocket to the side of the moon we can’t see. This will certainly come as a shock, so be sensitive and answer in full any questions she might have. After cycling through the emotions of anger and grief, she’ll settle on acceptance. At the very moment this occurs, set your vacuum to high power and use it to suck up her emotions through her ears. Then throw those emotions, which will have changed into powdered form, into a bowl of refried beans and put it on a tortilla. If it burns your lips horribly, that means it’s working (i.e. burning you).

Wake up one morning and realize that there is nothing at the core of your life that gives it any real meaning. Look to the sky for answers from above. Wander past the city’s perimeter to the desert and perform a shamanic ritual involving coyote dances and bloodletting. Remove your skin and wrap yourself in the ineffable epidermis of the universe. Howl yourself asleep, tears streaming like white-water rafters in rivulets down your face. Awake to find yourself in a warehouse in Nevada with drug runners training their pistols at your head. Convince them that the man they seek goes by the name of “Venom” and was last seen in a New Mexico roadhouse bar. Get them to drop you off at the nearest supermarket. Buy a bunch of macaroni and ground beef and tomato sauce and place it inside a casserole dish. Cover the dish in tinfoil and place it directly beside your chakra, which is now boiling hot. The casserole will be ready in 45 minutes. Consume it and transform into a leopard/snake creature that contains entire universes beneath its fingernails.

No comments:

Post a Comment